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Comment of the Week: Love Can’t Conquer Kinky Differences

Tue, Oct 16, 2012

Comment of the Week, Confessions

Reader Xena said the following in response to our post “He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla — Is the Relationship Doomed?”

The LESS likely scenario is that the vanilla partner will have bsdm needs awoken in them with time. But I would not bet on that scenario. The other very important thing to note is that even people into bdsm can be at very different stages at different times. Someone just starting out might never DREAM that they will grow to love and even crave certain activities that they actually will down the line. So someone seasoned and the kinds of things they are into might scare them off and they would not even understand why those things are craved, EVEN if they are later wired to get into it.

The much much MUCH more likely scenario is that the vanilla partner will grow to maybe enjoy a few mild bdsm-centered activities, but not need or crave or even tolerate more than that. Meanwhile the one into heavy bdsm — just the fact that they are into heavy bdsm to begin with already means it is NOT gonna go away. In fact they are eventually going to be frustrated with unmet needs and start seeking outlets — often behind the back of their vanilla partner.

If a vanilla person finds themself in the situation of the poster, hedge your bets on scenario two, and END the relationship before you both get much more emotionally vested, get married, have kids and then inevitably face a MUCH greater issue down the line when you discover your partner is cheating on you. The risk here is GREAT.

Yes, there is a tiny chance that one day you might grow to appreciate and need his needs and then regret breaking it off. But honestly, the chance is so tiny that it’s not worth considering and even if it happens, you can fully excuse your decision to flee with the very big fact that you were not ready for that kind of bdsm intensity at THAT stage of your life. The pain suffered will be SIGNIFICANTLY less than if you stay in the relationship and grow it into a HUGE problem later.

This is one scenario in which love does NOT conquer all.

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