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Dear Em & Lo: He Says It’s Just Sex, But Then He Holds My Hand

Wed, Oct 31, 2012

Advice, Dear Em & Lo

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Dear Em & Lo,

I met this guy through Facebook. We met up at a bar he goes to all the time. When I come walking in he does a double take. We hit it off right off the bat! Yeah! He tells me I’m so beautiful and he can’t get over my eyes… blah blah blah…. I meet his friends that night… I take us to a friend’s place… drink lil more and of course we have some good drunk sex. Sweet but fun sex. We had each other smiling the whole time and do everytime we hook up.

He asked me the next day to come for dinner but I couldn’t. I don’t hear from him a few weeks, then I hit him up because I was in his town. And we hooked up later that night @ my pad and I made him dinner. He ineracts with my son well! We like to say I hate you a lot and joke around about getting in a fight for the make up sex. And seriously or jokingly talk bout how we are using each other for sex in front of his bro. After a good time we have sex. And this was pick me up contol me rough kissing, hair pulling, biting and slapping each other sex. Loved it!

AFTER he says he is afraid of intimacy. Hmmm… and that he is shy and standoffish the next day. He kinda was. I never bring up relationships and feelings. He was calling me sweetheart and holding my hand… like he likes me?! Somewhere in between we have the talk: I say I’m not one to call, he says he isn’t and we talk about how f**k buddies turn to more. We say this won’t but I want it to.

Next day he texts and wants to hang. We stay at my sister’s, and that night he holds me and touches me like his girl, and I do it back. We go to bed and during sex as he is laying behind me getting it, he says, “I love your p***y. We can f**k anytme you want but you start getting attached it’s¬†over.” He seems to like me — or maybe just the arrangement??? He even talks bout us in a few months. I don’t know, is he liking me…or not?????? Then I take him home and am left to wonder when and if i will hear from him again.

– (Booty) Call Me Maybe

Dear B.C.M.M.,

Oh, where to start? We’d like to think that your “Does he like me?” question is rhetorical. Or maybe it’s a cry for help. Or is it possible that you truly can’t tell whether he likes you… or just your genitals? You don’t really need our advice — you just need to reread your letter to us, because the answers are all in there. Let’s break it down, shall we?

  • You “joke” about how you are using each other for sex…except you’re not sure it’s really a joke. Here’s a plot-spoiler: He’s not joking.
  • He talks about using you for sex in front of his brother. That alone should tell that he was never planning on taking you to prom… or Thanksgiving with his fam.
  • He says he’s afraid of intimacy. But he’s not sharing this tidbit in a please-help-me-overcome-my-issues kind of way. He’s using this bullshit excuse to keep his distance.
  • He warns you ahead of time that he will blow you off the next day. Not to apologize, mind you, just to get you prepared, so you’re not expecting breakfast and spooning in bed.
  • He says, during sex, “I love your p***y. We can f**k anytme you want but you start getting attached it’s¬†over.” Um, we think he just stated his case for the jury there.

And let’s look at the ONLY evidence to the contrary, shall we?

  • You have amazing, hot, kinky sex. The key word here being “sex.”
  • He calls you sweetheart and holds your hand and holds and touches you like you’re “his girl.” Sure, if he did all these things AND called you his girlfriend and said he wanted to date you, then this would be boyfriend behavior. But when a man’s words contradict his actions in a casual sex situation, we’re afraid you have to believe his words. The hand-holding is just part of the booty fun for him.
  • He talks about a few months from now. Well, yeah, of course he does: he’s having awesome booty call sex with a woman who claims to want the exact same thing. Plus she cooks him dinner. Why wouldn’t he want this to keep going?

By the way, this guy is not necessarily an asshole (except for that last part about warning you during sex not to get attached — but maybe that’s just bad booty call manners). Remember, you have agreed with him every step of the way. You never bring up relationships and feelings, you told him you’re not really one to call, you waited weeks before calling him, you concur that this booty call probably won’t lead to a relationship. You tell us you want more, but you’ve never told him.

Finally, not to get all judgey on you, but are you sure it was a good idea to introduce your booty call to your son? We have no idea what kind of set-up you have at home, but we find it hard to imagine a scenario in which this makes sense. Were you hoping that introducing him to your son would help things take a turn for the serious? Because that it is truly a terrible idea.

Sorry to be the bearers of such bad news, but we owe it to you to be honest. And you owe it to yourself to be honest with the men you sleep with — and, more importantly, to be honest with yourself. Remember, if you wanna know if he loves you so, it’s not in his kiss… it’s in his words and his actions and how he treats you in daylight. The rest is just booty.

Tough love,

Em & Lo

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