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Dear Em & Lo: I Used a Vibrator, Now I Can’t Climax with My Partner

Wed, Oct 17, 2012

Advice, Dear Em & Lo

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Dear Em & Lo,

I’m having trouble reaching an orgasm while intimate with my partner. I’m 20 years old, I had a kid 8 months ago, and then became a single parent, so started using a vibrator. I now have a new partner and while having sex, I’ve found that no matter what I do, I can’t reach an orgasm. But when I masturbate alone, usually I can — though sometimes it really takes a lot of work. Is there anything I can do to show him that he is pleasing me? Or even a way to reverse this and make my orgasms with humans and not toys come back?

– Looking for the On-Off Switch

Dear L.F.T.O.O.S,

The most important thing to note is that you can climax without a vibrator when you’re alone — so we know your orgasm hasn’t gone into hiding like Salman Rushdie on the run. Sure, you have to work a little harder right now — but it’s not like you need to “reverse” anything. Your body isn’t broken, it’s just changed.

And we would guess this has as much to do with (a) having a kid, (b) becoming a single parent, and (c) having a new partner, as it does to with with your using a vibrator. Let’s start with the whole kid thing, shall we? For one thing, your body changes after giving birth, and while some things eventually return to the way they were (though it probably takes longer than 8 months), other things will be permanently different. Not necessarily worse, just different. Which means you might find yourself climaxing in different ways and from different kinds of stimulation. A vibrator is a handy shortcut in the meantime, but you can teach yourself the way around your new body. Check out our 10 Steps to Orgasming Without a Vibrator for some pointers. (They really work! Check out this success story for inspiration.)

Also, you should definitely be doing your kegels! This helps a woman’s ability to orgasm at any point in her life, but especially so after having a kid. Check out our How to Do Kegels guide for help. You might also consider investing in a pair of Luna Beads by Lelo to help work out your kegels — they offer a larger size which are specially designed for women who’ve experienced childbirth.

There are other changes when you have a new baby — sleeplessness, for one (especially if you’re a single mom!). Stress and exhaustion. Changes in lubrication, especially if you’re breastfeeding (lube is your friend here!). Plus you’re experiencing a whole other kind of physical connection with your kid. This combination of factors means that many women are barely in the mood for sex for a long time after giving birth. So it would make sense that your orgasm is being a little stubborn — but, hey, at least your libido is showing up! Give it practice and give it time and try not to stress too much — we promise you that you didn’t “break” your orgasm!

And then there’s the issue of a new partner. Just because you climaxed easily with your last partner, doesn’t mean it will happen automatically with someone new. Body parts fit together differently, people fit together differently, and it takes a while to find your way around each other’s bodies. Think of this as a good thing, if you can — the better you get to know this new guy, the more likely you are to find pleasure in each other. And as far as showing your partner that he’s pleasing you — just tell him when he gets something really right. Scream it loudly (just not so loud that you wake the baby!) or say it in your best soft husky voice. Tell him what you want more of — he’ll be thrilled to hear this. And as a bonus, the more you tell him when he’s getting warm, as it were, the more likely he is to be able to get you off.

Oh-oh baby,

Em & Lo

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3 Responses to “Dear Em & Lo: I Used a Vibrator, Now I Can’t Climax with My Partner”

  1. SexyLittleIdeas Says:

    Vibrators, in some cases, seem to have a similar effect on women as porn on men. At first, porn can be a huge aid to orgasming, but over time it becomes a crutch without which the man may experience a sort of juvenile erectile dysfunction.

    I have found that the key is to use vibrators and porn like dessert.

  2. Melody Says:

    I’m a virgin and I use a vibrator (outside ONLY) and I worry about whether that will effect my ability to orgasm with a guy.

  3. Bex Says:

    I have to counter the “kegels” advice. Kegels are the Old World of pelvic floor health! Do your PC muscles, and the rest of your body, a favor… work on improving your posture (a la the Gokhale method) and start doing squats instead.

    http://breakingmuscle.com/womens-fitness/stop-doing-kegels-real-pelvic-floor-advice-women-and-men


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