aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Be careful what you wish for. Twelve-inch penises are way overrated, money can’t buy you happiness, and don’t let Brangelina fool you: Fame is a bitch. Being popular usually just means you’re constantly surrounded by people you don’t like. Take a closer look at someone outside of your inner circle. He or she won’t love you for your fame or money. They’ll just love you for you. Well, you and your big dick.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Friends don’t let friends make serious commitments under the influence. Which is why we need to tell you: It may feel like lurve, but that’s just your genitals trying to trick you into a good lay. This week, they’re the boss of you, so don’t go signing on any dotted lines or buying any rings. It might turn out to actually be true lurve, but there’s no way to tell that for sure until you’ve sobered up a little and taken off the beer goggles.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Remember how your momma always promised you that one day, someone would realize that all that glitters is not gold? That was just a nice way of her telling you that man, was your acne ever bad. Fortunately, little duckling, you’re all growed up now. But Momma was right: This week, someone special is finally going to figure out that it’s always the quiet ones. Someone is going to realize that sexual bragadaccio does not a good lover make. They’re going to see that the dirtiest dogs are the ones who are all bite and no bark. And you’re going to be the one to do all the enlightening.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Get out there and do some of the things you find most exciting and adventurous: skiing, surfing, skydiving, online poker. You may not meet any potential partners while you’re doing these things, but at least the adrenaline rush you experience will get the blood flowing and the heart pumping. Which is the next best thing to sex.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
There’s someone standing behind you reading your horoscope over your shoulder. Quick, look!…Too late, they’re gone now. Don’t worry about it though, the stars say it wasn’t a serial killer. They also say you should be up front with your partner about your feelings. And they want you to stop procrastinating and clean your room.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Take a look around. Someone has their eye on you. No, not that creepy freak at the grocery store who always seems to be waiting for you in the toilet paper aisle. We’re talking about someone with real potential. Play hard to get and you might get them in return. Just make sure you’re stocked up on T.P. because there’s nothing worse than running out when the two of you come home stumbling drunk at 3 a.m. for your first love sesh after a night of Mexican and beer.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
There will be plenty of opportunities for you to win over the heart of your beloved this week. Don’t make us come over there and smack you upside the head: Take one of them! Open up that window. And not just a crack. Fling it open with all your might and gracefully leap out of it into the open arms of love. Kind of like a drunk girl trying to win beads at Mardi Gras who accidentally slips off the balcony and falls on a passed-out frat guy in the gutter.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
With risk comes reward, and with no risk comes a string of lonely nights in front of the television watching Comedy Central reruns. Wouldn’t it be nicer to have someone to cuddle with on the couch to make those reruns seem actually funny? So take a chance and ask them out already. We forbid you to whine about long lonely nights until then. Sure, they might say no, but at least then you’ll have earned your right to whine about long lonely nights.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
With great charisma comes great attention. Except it’s not all great. When everyone wants to be by your side, you’re bound to get a few wackjobs and jerkfaces nipping at your heels. They pretend to be something they’re not to get into your “inner circle.” Next thing you know your pants are around your ankles. You think you’re in heaven, then suddenly their mask slips off mid-sesh. You feel betrayed, used, taken advantage of. You have a baby breakdown. But you pick up the pieces and move on to the next backup dancer/bug-eyed singer/gimp in a maroon one-zy… So what does J. Lo’s life story have to do with you? It’s screaming at you to choose your partners wisely.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If someone isn’t warming up to you, there may be a good reason. For instance, they may hate your guts. Instead, look for someone gullible who will fall for your sleazy charms. Now that’s what we call a match made in heaven.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You know how when you get drunk so you’ll feel better, you always feel doubly bad the next morning–depressed and hungover? Well, slumming it in the sack just ’cause you’re lonely is the same thing. Now, slumming it just ’cause you’re horny is a whole ‘nother story. But if you’re really honest with yourself, your loneliness trumps your horniness right now, doesn’t it? There, there, it’s going to be alright. Come here and give your Auntie Em and Auntie Lo a big hug. Next week things will all be (slightly) better.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Being a slut…er…playing the field will be your M.O. this week. But be careful: Anyone you “lead on” this week will come a’calling next week with bells on. Literally. They’ll have little jingle bells sewn onto their sleeves. You’ll be able to hear them coming from a mile away so you can attempt a quick getaway. But although you can run, you can’t hide.