Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Drink martinis (shaken, not stirred), practice your witty repartee (Hottie: “Hi, Justin Time.” You: “Yes you are.”) and pick up a few gadgets from The Sharper Image. Channel the spirit of James Bond this week (the Connery version, naturally), and you’ll have countless romantic possibilities faster than you can say “Octopussy meets Goldfinger.”
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
There is an art to persuasion. And this week, you are a grand master in the art of persuasion. You’re the Picasso of pick-up lines! The Van Gogh of “let’s go”! The Monet of amore! You get the picture–now get out there and paint the picture.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Love is like a hurricane. A big-time whirlwind that’s exciting and dramatic and sometimes has devastating consequences. Sometimes it’s enough to keep you inside with your bottled water and books by candlelight. But this week, you should brave the elements.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
All that time at the gym, going shoping, getting your hair cut and plucking your eyebrows won’t help you this week. Emphasize that asset that got Shakespeare, George Sands and Oscar Wilde laid: brains. It’s like Jennifer Aniston said in one of those “The More You Know” bits on NBC: “Smart is sexier than stupid any day.” (Because, you know, she doesn’t spend any time at the gym, going shopping, getting her hair done, or plucking her eyebrows.)
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For example, if you insist that your partner go see the latest Katherine Heigl movie with you lest you withhold oral pleasure from them, they in turn might go get said oral pleasure from someone with good taste in movies. This week, make especially sure that your actions will result in desirable equal and opposite reactions.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Anxiety is about as sexy as spinach in your teeth, bad breath and a root canal. (Don’t even try to figure out what all the mouth imagery means.) If you want to fall in love/hook-up soon, do whatever it takes to remove the sources of anxiety from your life. At least, do whatever’s legal.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t you hate buying private jets? So many to choose from, so little time. Do you get the one with the three Jacuzzis or the one that matches your eyes? Whatever your criteria, don’t rush the process. Choose wisely, because this could be your last new jet for a while.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Do you know why mass-market consulting firms make so much money? It’s because they have the benefit of mass-experience, thus they don’t have to create a custom solution for each company they consult. Rather, they draw on their pool of generalized solutions and tinker with the one that’s the closest fit until they hit pay dirt. Well, maybe that’s not exactly how the consulting world works, but for the sake of a succinct analogy, let’s pretend it does, okay? We don’t want to promote a mass-market approach to the pick-up scene, but if you’re having trouble acquiring your, uh, market share, get a little business-like about the whole thing, draw on your own pool of solutions (or ask your friends about theirs) and tinker until you find something that works. (Is it just us, or does “tinker” sound dirty all of a sudden?)
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Okay, we know if we say “See Virgo,” you’ll feel gipped. You want your own special, personalized horoscope. That’s understandable, because you are special. But sometimes, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander (whatever that means). And sometimes, different star signs end up getting their stars crossed, resulting in very, very similar love and sex advice. So if you know what’s good for you, you’ll read “Virgo” and like it.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Are you in it for the love or the loot? Yes, we thought as much.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This one time in the ’80s, a classmate of Em’s offered to finish her Rubik’s Cube for her. The concept of the Rubik’s Cube being a fun pastime and an intentionally time-consuming “puzzle” was somewhat lost on Em, so she agreed and gave up her brand-new toy for the afternoon. But her classmate simply removed all the little colored stickers and replaced them to make it look finished. The fastest way to the finish line isn’t always the most rewarding. We’re talking about foreplay, folks. You didn’t know that’s what Hasbro was trying to teach you back in the ’80s?
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You charmer, you. You’re generating enough heat to melt another iceberg. Stock up while it lasts — it’s going to be a long, chilly Winter and you’re going to need the material.
MORE FROM EMandLO.com:
- What If Your Boyfriend Is on the Small Side?
- How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?
- Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?
- How to Buy a Sex Toy (With No Buyer’s Remorse)