Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You know how after five hours of preparation, as you get closer to sit-down time, things start to move really quickly in the kitchen and timing is everything? If you don’t pay enough attention to the crescent rolls, they’ll come out burned; if you don’t baste the turkey with love, it will be dry; and if you set out the cranberry sauce too soon, it will develop a thin, nasty crust. You have to act fast and stay calm if you want the fruits of your labor to be tasty. If you haven’t figured it out by now, this is a metaphor.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Move on. S/he’s never coming back. That’s what you get for burning the turkey last year.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Check your motives when it comes to love. If you’re in it for the stuffing, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your priorities.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We have yet to meet anyone who was successfully set up on a blind date by a member of their family. Have you? Remember the sweater your aunt gave you on your birthday — you want that person picking out a partner for you? We thought not. A family member may try to coerce you into giving love a chance this week (and no, we don’t mean in any incestuous way, sickos); tell them (very nicely) that you’re all set for now.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You can have it all if you follow the savory smells of sex and unbuckle your pants to make room. This bounty is yours to devour.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Say what’s on your mind. If you’re a vegetarian, don’t eat the meat just to be polite. Because then you might throw up and that’s not polite either.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You can’t rush a relationship anymore than you can rush the cooking of a turkey (unless you deep-fry it, and that’s plain gross). Slow down and take time to stop and smell the turkey.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Take action and you’ll receive the kind of love you’re looking for. If you take time to talk, all will be lost this week. i.e., play Pictionary instead of Balderdash.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Face it, you’re never going to impress your partner with your cooking skills. Focus instead on what they love you for (money, fame, sex, season tickets to the Knicks, etc.).
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’re still living in the past and that won’t help you find love. This Thanksgiving, don’t spend the weekend moping over old photos and third-grade love letters. Get out and mingle with the locals. We’re sure there’s someone your mother has been dying to set you up with: What have you got to lose?
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re so hot this week you sizzle like a giant Butter Ball. Telephone the person that you’ve been admiring and let him or her know that you’re interested. But don’t call Thursday and disturb their Thanksgiving dinner. Wait until Friday. Friday is a good day.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You don’t need to settle for someone who is still committed to someone else. No one gets two turkey dinners. Make sure they get a plate of mashed potatoes in the face if they try.
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