aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The time is perfect to fall in love. All you need is a spunky Gemini or Leo or Aquarius. Oh sure, just go to the corner store and pick one up. They’re on sale, conveniently lined up on the shelf in alphabetical order. Right next to world peace and those cute little flying pigs.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you must take candy from strangers, make sure it’s wrapped.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you’re Little Red Riding Hood, then the object of your affection is the wolf. Which may not necessarily be a bad thing if you’re down for having sex like wild, rabid animals. But if you’re expecting frills, pot pourri, and home-baked goods from this relationship, you’ve got another thing coming.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You can talk your way into anyone’s heart — but where’s the beef?
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
A great philosopher once said, He who talks too much eats shoe before too long. And no amount of seasoning is gonna make it taste better. So know when to shut it.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We’ll be the first to admit: Dating’s really hard. What other game do you know where every player has their own set of rules (which are constantly in flux and not always obeyed)? However, this week you make it all look easy. Have you considered getting your own talk show?
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The stars usually aren’t this pornographic, but they say this week that “your stamina will be up” (a euphemism if ever we heard one) and you’ll have the ability to “do it ’til the cows come home” (pretty straightforward there). Don’t waste this precious time working when you should be, well, doin’ it. Just make sure you’re safe.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your sex drive is going to be sagging a little this week, but not to worry. It’s not like your partner is going to take it personally or anything. No, just go right ahead and pop off to your Scrabble tournament, stay up all night playing online poker, get stumbling drunk with your friends, watch home improvement shows on TV. No, don’t bother explaining yourself. Really. That would be too much like communication, wouldn’t it?
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you get out of the house and take part in community events this week, you will meet someone who is just as much of a homebody as you are. And then the two of you won’t ever have to go out again. You can just stay home, co-signing letters to your local politicians, learning macrame together, ordering in Thai, and forgetting how lonely you used to be when you were single and all your “friends” coupled up and stopped calling you. Anyway, it’s been nice knowing you.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
God, your hair is perfect. Your teeth? Like a freakin’ Gleem commercial. When you walk into a room, everyone turns and stares, mistaking you for a celebrity. You’ve even got an entourage that’s just one hanger-on short of a harem. Well, you better enjoy it while it lasts, because someone’s going to expose you for the charlatan you are. And when they finally tell everyone about the time they caught you naked with the Jell-O mold, then where will you be, huh? Work on some substance.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t mix business with pleasure. This means no sex on the boss’s desk for at least a week. And we mean it!
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Focus on joining worthy causes this week and someone special will notice. Yeah, aren’t you smart? Make it look like you’re spreading sunshine and doing your bit for the community, when all you really care about is getting laid. It’s the double whammy: You impress them because you’re out there saving the world, and you appear hard to get because you’re obviously too busy saving the world to be interested in little old them. Suckers. At least we know the truth.