Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Stop trying to chase away loneliness with casual sex. Remember that cheap wine and karaoke with friends is a better way to repress the suspicion that you’re not all that.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Be open to new experiences and give strangers a chance. Today’s acquaintance wielding an oddly-shaped vegetable may be tomorrow’s partner in exploring a new… well, we’ll let your imagination wander.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Give monogamy a chance.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Talk talk talk. Blah blah blah. Doesn’t anybody have sex anymore? Don’t wait too long to broach the sex issue in a relationship, otherwise you could be consigned to Just-a-Friend status for good.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Resolve to never forget that, despite the dodgy suit jackets and bad hair days, the Supremes got it right: You can’t hurry love.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Vow to never forcefully push your way into an elevator, a relationship or a body cavity. Likewise, keep your finger on the “close door” button whenever you’re so inclined.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Spend more quality time with yourself. Resist the urge to turn on the TV. Remember, you’re not that boring.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You can’t always get what you want. And sometimes when you don’t, you have a tendency to punch, kick, scream and bite. Let’s work on some self-control issues this year.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Resolve to ask yourself these questions before having sex this year: 1. Do I really want to have sex? 2. Do I care if I never see them again? 3. Do I know their last name? 4. What was that they just said? 5. Do I have a condom? 6. Would I be just as happy with a game of chess?
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Swear off letting your genitals do the work of your heart.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s time to conquer your fear of all things sensual: start with candles, work up to soft jazz and bubble baths — by the end of the year you could be an expert in erotic massage!
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This year, do not shag the married, the recently dumped, the commitment-shy, the strange (both weird and unknown: get to know them first) or the gay (unless you’re gay, in which case, don’t date the straight).
Make all your naughty New Year’s Resolutions come true with 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink, EM & LO’s brand spanking (heh) new book.