Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Be aggressive. B-E aggressive. B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E. See results. C-E results. C-E R-E-S-U-L-T-S in S-E-X.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You’re unsure about love,
So don’t be a big fat stupid head by leading someone on.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars oh-so-casually mention that a possible future fiance may cross your path this week. So no pressure, or anything. Jeez, we really hope that big zit clears up before the humanoid of your dreams comes around. ‘Cause the potential life-long partner doesn’t have to stop being superficial until after the fifth date.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Here’s your problem: You make yourself too easily available. If potential suitors think that anyone can have you, then why should they bother trying to woo you? Here’s your solution: Be a little aloof. Play a little hard to get. If you must find validation in the attentions of others, then find it in how many people you say “no” to rather than how many people you go home with.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
The stars say that if you’re out and about meeting new people this week, you should take your checklist with you to avoid wasting time. This is the first we’ve heard of a checklist — did we miss the memo? (Or did we miss that particular issue of Cosmo?) Do you have a checklist? Can we borrow yours? At the very least, we suppose you should go out armed with some kind of criteria that all potential suitors have to meet right off the bat: No prior convictions, no current spouses, no plans to move to Ohio, no infected body piercings, etc.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve finally found someone who could make things interesting. They’re fun-loving and fancy-free, but in a cool way. However, that stick up your butt is going to make it hard for you to keep up with them. Time to make a difficult decision: It’s either the peppy partner, or the poopy stick. We say lose the stick.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The earth is being overrun with fast food chains, AIDS is still wiping out entire villages around the world, World War III is around the corner, and life has no meaning. But go on, go out and mingle, attract all sorts of potential partners — as long as you don’t lead anyone on, you’re doing your part to help make this world a better place. How big of you.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Shhh. Be vewy, vewy quiet . . . we’re hunting wabbits. Your latest flame is a sensitive little bunny, and any sudden movements, loud burps or controversial opinions may frighten them off. Stick to movie nights and lots of hand-holding. And don’t forget that popcorn makes you gassy.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Florence Nightingale’s got nothing on you. Your touch is more soothing than aloe, your voice more comforting than a cool wash cloth, your scent better than Vick’s Vapo-Rub. Even if the object of your care isn’t sick as a dog, their rattled nerves will appreciate the attention. Then it’ll be time for the sponge bath!
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The stars reckon that you’ll be a hot-blooded lover this week. Which doesn’t sound that sexy, if you ask us. It makes us think of Tom Jones and Julio Iglesias and the cheesy Greek lover in Shirley Valentine. But hey, maybe on you, it’ll work.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
When the stars mention your involvement in a secret affair as being a particular problem for you this week, let’s just assume by “secret affairs” they mean any form of lying or cheating that’s romantic in nature that you are committing against your current partner. We mean, come on, how many water signs could there be out there right now who are engaged in a secret affair? . . . Don’t answer that. Anyway, the stars asked us to tell you that your cheatin’ heart will tell on you and then you’ll cry and cry the whole night through.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If only we had looked really hard in the mirror back when we feathered our bangs and wore side ponytails; if only we had questioned the practicality of all those snaps on the Members Only Jackets. We were just so quick to jump on the bandwagon, we didn’t realize we were actually jumping off the bridge of good taste. Replace fashion with romance and you have a pretty good description of your current relationship: it’s time to take a good look in the mirror–and at your partner’s wardrobe choices.
150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink, EM & LO’s new book, is available for any Fifty Shades fans you know — just in time for the holidays!