Reader Michael H. said the following in response to our post, “Your Call: How Can a Woman Enjoy Lots of Sex Without Shame?”
This is coming from this maleâ€™s perspective, take it as you may…
You are absolutely correct that society has a double standard. It should be an obsolete puritanical belief system, however, it still is alive and well to this day.
Without going into the biology of it all, which is not to say it isnâ€™t important, because it is, letâ€™s just say that society has come to accept that men are â€śdogs that will hunt,â€ť and for the most part have accepted that. Where the issues arise is when the â€śhuntedâ€ť enjoy the hunt just as much as the hunter so to speak. That just throws our male dominated perspective all askew.
I will tell you the same thing I have told my wife, and any female friend I have ever had. Get on the same playing field as the men. Thatâ€™s the only thing that will ever change things. Itâ€™s daring, but effective.
How does one do that? Embrace the very game that oppresses you and let it empower you. I told my wife first off, establish that there is sex and love and donâ€™t make the two synonymous, period. Can both be present? Of course, but thatâ€™s not the point. The point is to understand that the two can be mutually exclusive. So donâ€™t be afraid to enjoy sex (remember this means sex even without love).
Two, keep in mind that society has even built in a â€śmadonna/whoreâ€ť complex by which men want their wives to be a pure as the driven snow, and their â€śwhoreâ€ť to be as driven as the seediest porn star. Keep this in mind only to establish that you want nothing to do with a man who honestly sees any validity in this system. This is one of the cornerstones of what is giving you an issue at this time. Focus on blurring that line as much as you can and finding the man that wants to help you blur it. You can be the good wife and the great slut in bed, who cares? I encourage my wife to embrace that side of her.
You may ask how a man could ask his wife to embrace her â€śinner slut,â€ť so to speak. Well number one, those that find that completely distasteful, are most likely afraid. Afraid of losing control. They think that if their wife or girlfriend enjoys sex for sexâ€™s sake, that she will now start banging every guy/girl that comes their way. Thatâ€™s fear. Thatâ€™s the thought that I have to keep blinders on my partner else she may find something better out there. That is fear pure and simple.
I remember telling my friends I had a totally different definition of whore vs slut. To me a whore really has little to do with sex. Thatâ€™s about selling oneâ€™s self for gain, regardless. You can be a money whore, an attention whoreâ€¦whatever. You are willing to sell part of yourself to gain something. Iâ€™m not judging per say but that to me is a whore. A slut is someone, pure and simple, who enjoys something to the point they want it and arenâ€™t afraid to admit it, and will most likely continue to do so regardless of what others think. So embrace your slut, whatever it may be. If it makes you happy and you arenâ€™t hurting anyone, than more power to you.
So all of this seems easier to say than do, but that is absolute rubbish. There are women that will completely disagree with me, and that is fine, but stop at the point you judge your fellow woman if she does not. You are getting puritanical and probably jealous. Why do you have to adhere to the confines of the madonna/whore trap if she doesnâ€™t?
Many men will disagree with me as well, because they want their wives to be this, or be that, etc. No man, you are afraid pure and simple. And saying youâ€™re not doesnâ€™t change a thing. If you want a puritanical girl, good for you, if you want someone that thinks this is just so wrong and how could anyone be like this, than more power to you. This is advice pure and simple to someone who not only enjoys sex, but does not enjoy the double standard.
I say to you, bravo, and keep it up. There are many of us out here who agree with you and support you. Be you. Plain and simple. If that means you want to have ten lovers, never get married, never have children, never have the picket fence, or you want to have the dirtiest freeing sex with one man/woman the rest of your life and put up that picket fence (or tear it down) together, then great!
Onward you go, enjoy this life. We have a limited amount of time here, so letâ€™s not worry about what others want us to do with it.
More from EMandLO.com:
- The 7 Rules of Dating a Co-Worker
- My Boyfriend Canâ€™t Handle My Sexual Past
- Can Open Relationships Cure Jealousy?