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Your Call: How Can a Woman Enjoy Lots of Sex Without Shame?

Fri, Jan 4, 2013

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

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We get a lot of¬†advice questions¬†coming in at¬†EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can‚Äôt answer them all. Which is why,¬†once a week, we turn to you to¬†decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on this woman’s letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.¬†

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Dear Em & Lo,

How does one go about feeling better about a very sexual personality? I realize I’m human and I accept sex and all that comes with it with open arms. However, our society does not. Obviously I’m not saying I sleep with the masses, but I do enjoy sex and I don’t feel I should have to hide that without being labeled “whore.”

‚Äď Sex Positive

How can S.P. feel better about satisfying her libido? Let her know in the comments below.

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9 Responses to “Your Call: How Can a Woman Enjoy Lots of Sex Without Shame?”

  1. J Says:

    If you’re worried about how society will view your sexuality, the sad truth is there isn’t any way for you to really affect that. I’m not saying you should hide yourself but it would probably be wise to just discuss your sex life with like minded individuals. If someone is going to judge you, then it’s none of there business anyway. Also, don’t sleep with people if they can’t be discrete.

    But if the problem is that you personally feel ashamed of your sexuality, that is a whole different matter. You need to ask yourself why you feel ashamed and possibly address that with therapy, etc.

  2. Ape Says:

    Have lots of sex, enjoy it, don’t feel shame. Wash. Rinse.Repeat.

    People are going to have some kind of a problem with anything and everything that you do so you might as well just try to get some pleasure out of it. If it still bothers you just remember that deep down somewhere in that prudish brain of theirs they are jealous.

  3. Ralphie Says:

    “I realize I‚Äôm human and I accept sex and all that comes with it with open arms. However, our society does not.”

    There’s a bit of a contradiction here. You say you accept all that comes with sex, but you are not accepting that society has a different attitude. Society’s attitude towards sex does not mean that you have to give up on being sexual. It may mean that you do have to be discrete. When you meet new people, wait until you have a better sense of who they are before fully opening up to them about your sexual values; look for partners who have similar views; don’t impose your views on others.

    If you’re in the US, you know that we are living in a divided country. This same approach can apply to religion, politics, music, the arts, or any other issue in which people can differ. People like to put labels on others they disagree with (Rush Limbaugh labeled Sandra Fluke a slut; Fluke had the class not refer to him as a druggie). While it can be hurtful, when it does happen you need to rely on your friends for support.

  4. figleaf Says:

    I’m going to be a little contrarian here (especially for me) and say rather than be completely open about your sex life treat it instead as thoughtful wealthy people treat their money: proudly, without embarrassment, but also quietly.

    If it comes up in conversation consider being (gently!) self-deprecating: “I’m just lucky to meet such wonderful people.” And be non-defensive but indirect: “Well, it’s not that big a deal.” “I’m sorry, I’ll be busy next weekend.”

    You’ll never please everybody, but for lot of people the resistance lies somewhere their own obstacles and “must be nice” envy. Which is how most people also feel about other people’s financial good fortune. And based on the advice most often given to those with financial fortune, downplaying (without lying or denying) is probably the best way increase comfort levels all around.

    Good luck. Also, great job not just succumbing to peer pressure and backing down!


  5. henry Says:

    Honestly, unless you’re doing it with children or doing it in the front yard, it’s no one’s business. And if it’s getting around town that you’re getting plenty of sex, maybe the people you’re sleeping with are a bit sloppy with their conversations. It’s no one’s biz but your own.

  6. Michael H Says:

    This is coming from this male’s perspective, take it as you may…

    You are absolutely correct that society has a double standard. It should be an obsolete puritanical belief system, however, still is alive and well to this day.

    Without going into the biology of it all, which is not to say it isn’t important, because it is, let’s just say that society has come to accept that men are “dogs that will hunt,” and for the most part have accepted that. Where the issues arise is when the “hunted,” enjoy the hunt just as much as the hunter so to speak. That just throws our male dominated perspective all askew.

    I will tell you the same thing I have told my wife, and any female friend I have ever had. Get on the same playing field as the men. That’s the only thing that will ever change things. It’s daring, but effective.

    How does one do that? Embrace the very game that oppresses you and let it empower you. I told my wife first off, establish that there is sex and love and don’t make the two synonymous, period. Can both be present? Of course, but that’s not the point. The point is understand that the two can be mutually exclusive. So don’t be afraid to enjoy sex(remember this mean sex even without love).

    Two keep in mind that society has even built in a “madonna/whore” complex by which mean want their wives to be a pure as the driven snow, and their “whore” to be as driven as the seediest porn star. Keep this in mind only to establish that you want nothing to do with a man who honestly sees any validity in this system. This is one of the cornerstones of what is giving you an issue at this time. Focus on blurring that line as much as you can and finding the man that wants to help you blur it. You can be the good wife and the great slut in bed, who cares? I encourage my wife to embrace that side of her.

    You may ask how a man could ask his wife to embrace her “inner slut,” so to speak. Well number one, those that find that completely distasteful, are most likely afraid. Afraid of losing control. They think that if their wife or girlfriend enjoys sex for sex’s sake, that she will now start banging every guy/girl that comes their way. That’s fear. That’s the thought that I have to keep blinders on my partner else she may find something better out there. That is fear pure and simple.

    I remember telling my friends I had a totally different definition of whore vs slut. To me a whore really has little to do with sex. That’s about selling one’s self for gain, regardless. You can be a money whore, an attention whore…whatever. You are willing to sell part of yourself to gain something. I’m not judging per say but that to me is a whore. A slut, is someone pure and simple who enjoys something to the point they want it and aren’t afraid to admit it, and will most likely continue to do so regardless of what others think. So embrace your slut, whatever it may be. If it makes you happy and you aren’t hurting anyone, than more power to you.

    So all of this seems easier to say than do, but that is absolute rubbish. There are women that will completely disagree with me, and that is fine, but stop at the point you judge your fellow woman if she does not. You are getting puritanical and probably jealous. Why do you have to adhere to the confines of the madonna/whore trap if she doesn’t?

    Many men will disagree with me as well, because they want their wives to be this, or be that etc. No man, you are afraid pure and simple. And saying you’re not doesn’t change a thing. If you want a puritanical girl good for you, if you want someone that thinks this is just so wrong and how could anyone be like this, than more power to you. This is advice pure and simple to someone who not only enjoys sex, but does not enjoy the double standard.

    I say to you, bravo, and keep it up. There are many of us out here who agree with you and support you. Be you. Plain and simple. If that means you want to have ten lovers, never get married, never have children, never have the picket fence, or you want to have the dirtiest freeing sex with one man/woman the rest of your life and put up that picket fence(or tear it down) together, then great!

    Onward you go, enjoy this life. We have a limited amount of time here, so let’s not worry about what others want us to do with it.

  7. Xavier Says:

    I will add my two cents and reinforce that to have your cake and eat it too, just be dicreet and filter your partners to ensure they’re not loud mouths. I am a guy and I love it when I come across a woman who is comfortable in her own skin and will flirt with me and go all the way if the circumstances are right.

  8. toria Says:

    screw society :D

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