We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.
Dear Em & Lo,
I was just recently broken up with by the guy I thought I’d marry, over the issue of having kids. We’re in our late 20s and had talked about getting married quite a bit. My thought on the issue was that we would make a realistic, mindful decision about kids when the time was right, taking in all the relevant factors. He was initially fine with this, often saying he’d be happy either way. But one day, a few months ago, he just changed his mind out of the blue and was all of a sudden talking about how deeply he wanted kids. I really don’t think he was lying to me in the beginning — it honestly seems like a sudden change of heart. After this, for a few months he was saying that he preferred to stay with me than to have certainty that he was with someone who definitely wanted kids. But clearly he changed his mind on that, too, as we are now no longer together.
So I have a couple questions related to this. Firstly, public knowledge has plenty to say about the female biological clock — how there’s a time in most women’s lives where it just suddenly blows up and then you MUST HAVE BABY. But what happened to my ex seems to be very similar. It floored me to have him change so suddenly, especially as a guy who has zilch experience being around children, who has little patience for the unexpected, and who likes his peace and quiet. Is this type of change in guys’ thinking/feeling about kids more common than I thought? Are there triggers or causes?
Secondly, after talking to a few close friends about the break up, I came to notice that almost everyone seemed to think that whether or not to have kids is a purely emotional decision. Is there ANYONE out there who shares my stance of the spouses deciding together, when all the relevant factors are in place? When I say “relevant factors” I mean, careers out of the budding stage, marriage going strong, finances strong, health strong, and then assess whether kids is happening or not. I just can’t divorce the idea of having kids from all of the factors that that decision affects; hence my need to wait until I know more about how life is gonna turn out. DOes this make me a freak?
What should Kid-Shy do? Let her know in the comments below.
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