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Your Weekly Stars (1-14-13)

Mon, Jan 14, 2013

Horoscopes

photo by SimplySchmoopie

Each week, we at¬†EMandLO.com¬†predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of¬†irreverent horoscopes¬†‚ÄĒ ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Call us crazy, but we see a high correlation between givers in the community and givers in bed. Think about it: Is that guy who plays bingo with the old folks for three hours every Saturday afternoon really going to mind dining downtown for twenty-five minutes on a Saturday night? And is the gal who gives up her Friday nights to serve in a soup kitchen likely to be someone who doesn’t believe in reciprocity? So what we’re saying is, think globally, act locally, and reap the benefits latah. Aw yeah.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
That hottie you’re so enamored with? Turns out they don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, if you know what we’re saying. And we always mean what we say.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Love is all around you like flies on poop this week. Just say what’s on your mind, and things will get hotter in the bedroom than a bag of dog crap set on fire and left on some poor soul’s doorstep on Goosey Night.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
So maybe there’s no Santa Claus, and perhaps the tooth fairy turned out to be pretty damned useless once you’d got all your grown-up teeth. But yes, Virginia, there is a Cupid, and this week, he’s in your corner. So make like Rocky and own the ring; with any luck, by sundown Friday you’ll be yelling “Adrian! Adrian!” in the throes of passion. Actually, come to think of it, best not to say “Adrian” unless you’re actually sleeping with one. Using your luvver’s own name adds a nice personal touch.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Think about what you are doing. Or maybe just think about who you are doing. Is he or she really you? Just like forest green makes you look washed out, that lame-o skank you picked up at the conference in Tulsa makes your ass look fat. Pick partners that bring out the color in your eyes, bring out the best in you, and most importantly bring out the trash. For reals, the people you’ve been dating lately simply are the trash.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Rome wasn’t built in a day, as they like to say. (Who the hell is “they,” that’s what we’d like to know.) Plus, a rolling stone gathers no moss. Oh yeah, and a stitch in time saves nine. More haste, less speed, that’s what we’ve always said. But back to the Rome thing: If you’re looking for a relationship that’s more Roman-Empire and less Lost-City-of-Atlantis, you’ve got to take it slow. Not so much physically (hey, we may have our head in the stars, but we do know a thing or two about a thing or two) as emotionally. If you can avoid the TMI syndrome for the first few weeks, you may have yourself a keeper.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This is not the week to give ultimatums. This is not a week to be a bully. This is not a week to start referring to your partner’s most recent exes as “the axis of evil.” This is not a week to send back your salad if the dressing’s not on the side. This is a week to take what gets thrown at you and like it. Trust us, you don’t want to suffer the consequences of fighting back this week. Just rent An Officer and a Gentleman, order a pizza, and wait it out.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Remember that album by Pat Benatar called “Get Nervous”? The cover had her in black tights and black boots and a straight jacket with a creepy pin of a screaming baby on the sleeve. God, we loved that album. Its title track could be your anthem this week: “Anxiety, got me on the run. Anxiety, I just need someone. Anxiety, can’t get nothing done. Anxiety, spoils all the fun.” Pat always speaks the truth.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve got a horoscope right out of Agatha Christie’s imagination this week: Someone around you is not who he or she has been leading you to believe. Ooooh, so mysterious. We’re suckers for those whodunnits with the wide brimmed hats and the sexy British accents. Just don’t be a sucker yourself, or you’ll end up with a knife in your back.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’ll suddenly develop a very handy, very hardy, thick skin. You will no longer feel the sting of rejection. Oh sure, you’ll get rejected plenty, you just won’t feel the burn. “Ha!” you will say to all your spurners. “No problem!” You will shrug. I’ll be back!” You will counter resistance with persistence and you will win out in the end. Because it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how long you can continue playing the game unsuccessfully before collapsing in a bawling heap of self-loathing.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t be disappointed if someone doesn’t respond to your advances. He or she is probably a glue sniffer. Wake up and smell the hottie who isn’t brain damaged, the one who’s been admiring you from a distance. That is, until they saw you hitting on the donut hole.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’ll be like Elmo this week (the pre-scandal Elmo, that is) — all cute and warm and snuggly. Someone will actually find this endearing. Someone else will understandably find it nauseating. Your trick is to figure out who’s who. Shouldn’t be too hard — just stay away from those who turn a greener shade of pea soup when you start getting “precious.”

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