aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
What you really need is a partner with substance. So think genitally and act locally: Get involved in community projects, play bingo with the old folks, paint a mural for your local after-school project school (just be sure to ask permission first). And we recommend not telling that fellow good samaritan you end up bedding the real reason why you volunteered until at least six months into the relationship.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Did you ever play Frogger on Atari when you were a wee thing? On one of the levels, you had to jump from moving lily pad to moving lily pad as quickly as possible without biting it big-time before you reached the next level. This week, you’re the frog, and every lily pad is a person you’ll meet. The only difference is . . . okay, one of the many differences is that should you land on a comfy lily pad you like, take your coat off, stay a while, and use a condom.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It’s the curse of the shy person: People mistake your vibe for cool aloofness. Indifference may appeal to some people, like the ones who never got over being rejected by the “cool crowd” in high school and are constantly trying to rewrite their past. But most people with the basic insecurities will just think you’re not being nice to them because they’ve done something wrong or you don’t like them. Make every effort to come out of that shell and prove to people you’re not a cold-hearted snake, but a warm, outgoing person with just a bit of a librarian streak.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Make like Olivia Newton John and get a little exercise. Spandex optional. The stars aren’t entirely clear why this is a particularly good week for you to work out; we’re guessing it’s cliche new year advice. But hey, rock-hard abs are rock-hard abs.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Woah. Buzz kill. This week, the stars advise you to consider friendship before becoming an item; apparently if you rush to a relationship, that special someone might be disappointed in you. That’s either a dis on your bedside manner, your hygiene habits, or your secret lasagna recipe that your friends always swore they loved. Whatever it is, best not to take the risk: Bide your time before getting nekkid, sharing a toothbrush, or inviting them over for a candlelit dinner. And that story you love to tell about the time your toe-hairs got tangled? Can it.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The difference between playing games and playing coy is in the execution: If you can make your partner (or your intended partner) enjoy it, then it’s coy; if they’re just confused (or worse, annoyed), then it’s playing games. So dress up nice and smile real pretty and then make them wait for it… but be sure to keep them entertained in the meantime — tying them up and then stripping for them so they can’t join in is “coy” in our book.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll find it hard to keep it in your pants this week. May we suggest keeping it there until someone takes it out for you?
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ll be in a sexy mood this week and will do just about anything it takes to get your partner’s attention, i.e. you’ll be ready to take on any challenge your partner presents, i.e. you’ll wear those assless leather chaps and you’ll damn well like it.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve got it going on this week, so don’t waste it. And don’t ask us what “it” is — if we knew what “it” was, do you think we’d still be here peddling horoscopes? No, we’d bottle it and become millionaires and you’d have to pay $200 an hour to hear what we think about the stars. Until then, use your “it” wisely: Pick up the damn phone and make a date — or at least have really steamy phone sex.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We hate to break it to you, but there are people out there who will find your exhaustive bedroom banter and playful manner just plain exhausting. Pick partners who’ll appreciate it when you spontaneously break into dirty Ovid verse or bring out the ping pong paddle. Surround yourself with people who can keep up and can keep it up.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Let’s get touchy-feely, shall we? Even though it’s cliché, the earnest sex gurus are right: We must openly communicate our needs and desires to our partners without shame, and without hysterically cracking up or running to the bathroom to hide. So what if it’s out of character for you; that strong and silent routine is only sexy for so long. Open up, share with group, and those fantasies in your head might come true. And yes, we’d like some wine with that cheese.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Tooting your own horn this week will help attract that special person. And no, that doesn’t mean asking them to pull your finger during a romantic dinner.