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Your Call: My Husband Isn’t Interested in Sex with Me

Tue, Feb 19, 2013

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Help! I’ve been married to my husband 5 years (6 years dating) and our sex life …well, let’s just say I don’t think I can ever win. #1 we have sex once every 3 months…if I’m lucky. He’s always tired, headache, or any other number of reasons why he can’t. When we do have sex it’s in one position only, no foreplay, and once he’s “done”…he rolls over and goes to sleep.

Now, you have to understand that I want sex everyday all day, but it’s been so long we’ve struggled with this that I’m to the point I don’t look at him “like that” any more. I think if he came in right now naked, cock swinging…I could walk away….easily (because I know how it’s going to end).

I love my husband but I don’t know how to get things back on track anymore. I’ve talked to him about this so many times and he just says he’s going to “work on it.” He doesn’t want to talk about it or get any help. He says he loves me, but I feel it’s more like a “friendship” love more than anything else.

I also have to tell you when we were dating it was a long distance relationship, he is a Marine and was stationed in all kind of places. When we did see each other we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. I told him so many times about my sex appetite and he never had a problem with it….when we got married….immediatly I could see the difference in our appetites and he immediately stopped trying to “impress” in the bedroom.

We have 2 children (the first one we planned and for 1 month had tons of sex…as soon as I found out i was prego…it stopped). Our 2nd happened when I was drinking and basically jumped him….I found out I was prego and didn’t have sex for about 10 months. I’m so tired. He’s a great dad, provider and friend. But our lack of intimacy is killing this relationship and he doesn’t even acknowledge it. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

– Sexless in Seattle

What should S.I.S. do? Let her know in the comments section below.

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22 Responses to “Your Call: My Husband Isn’t Interested in Sex with Me”

  1. jillian Says:

    Well, the short answer is that you need a good sex-positive relationship therapist.

  2. mrscb Says:

    Have u tried stepping out of the box and maybe tried stripping for him or put on some sexy burlesque type lingerie and tease him around the house??? Men love fantasy so we have to be able to fulfill them. Find out what turns him on and be that for him. My husband also has a lower sex drive than myself but I know what makes him tick so when I suspect hes not in the mood I just pull out some tricks based on what I know he likes. Good luck to u honey.

  3. crf Says:

    I don’t agree with mrscb. I think it takes two to tango and you trying to give your %50 plus his %50 won’t result in anything more than exhaustion and bitterness. The part you wrote about him rolling over and going to sleep after he is “done” seemingly explains the problem – he is a selfish lover. If he was one way before you got married and another “immediately” after you got married, I would venture to say you got conned. I’m not saying he’s a bad person, but it certainly seems he may have misrepresented himself. You have a right to be upset. I would talk to a counselor, together. If he is unwilling to work on it, there isn’t much you can do about that other than be satisfied that you did your best and try moving on. Or, if he really is a good father and friend, talk to him about opening the relationship?

  4. Janet Says:

    I hate to say this but the big picture is pretty laid out right there: you said he sees your relationship as more of a friendship. Unfortunately, unless he’s willing to go to counseling and explore why he married you in the first place, I think you need to go your own way and find someone who’s compatible with you in all areas. He’s a great dad and provider and that’s awesome for your kids, they are very fortunate. But you need to be happy. Bottom line. You deserve to be happy with a passionate partner who fulfills your needs emotionally and physically. My husband and I were friends, then dated for two years and then engaged for two years and have been married for almost 3 years now and our sex life actually gotten better over time. But we wanted to relax and take things easy so we obviously were engaged for two years so that we could live together and be sure we were compatible. You mentioned being together one year before marriage and that distance was a factor. I think it was the distance and absence that made your sex life so exciting because obviously the time apart heightens those feelings. Personally, I needed to be with my partner for some time to be sure but that is just our method for our madness. I don’t think this is about you needing to do things to “spice it up” or get his interest up with outfits or sex games. Because you guys were spurred on by being kept apart and only seeing each other for designated periods of time. And unfortunately I don’t think you were together long enough before exchanging vows to find that out. Do I make any sense hun? In short, he needs to evaluate his feelings for you and this marriage because you deserve to be happy and satisfied and your kiddos deserve happy parents. Best of luck to you sweetie <3

  5. Ferdinand Says:

    Either he’s not hearing you on your need for physical intimacy, or he did hear you, but doesn’t care or isn’t able/willing to do anything about it. Spend your energies getting to the bottom of that, rather than trying any version of lingerie/positions/sex therapy.

  6. Mistress Susan Says:

    Sexless, since he is not having sex with you, do you think that he is having sex with someone else? You two have been together for 11 years. Marriage and children can definitely change a sex life. Some men no longer see their wives as sexy once they have children.

    I believe in open and honest communication. As reader Ferdinand states, you need to get to the bottom of the matter by having a no holds barred conversation about your concerns, as opposed to trying to turn him on with new lingerie and sex skills. You need a husband, not a roommate.

  7. Chin Up, Chest High! Says:

    “He‚Äôs always tired, headache, or any other number of reasons why he can‚Äôt.”

    Sexless in Seattle I feel for you. My ex-wife was just the same yet in the end she cheated on me citing that I lost interest in sex and stopped trying to seduce her (well, gee I wonder why?) and incredulously, told me I should have tried harder!

    My advice is to get him alone one night. TV off – kids in bed (or preferably out of the house staying with family) and just… TALK to him. Don’t nag, don’t try to apportion blame… just make sure there will be no distractions because the two of you need to focus on the two of you. Ask him why he no longer has these feelings for you. If he still won’t talk then suggest counselling.

  8. Dax Says:

    hello S.I.S. Sorry to have to say this but after living this life for more than 30 years with one..it sounds as if you have yourself either a bisexual that prefers men to women or a closeted gay man. I could have written that letter with the exception of the Marine part. It sounds as though you are his finely trimmed beard. I know this because that is what I have learned to be. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but if this is the case it will only get worse.After 13 yrs of marriage to my husband I found out why our sex life was so crappy. He was a great father and my best friend but the bedroom was quite another story. I remain married to this man still almost 31 yrs now, hes still a great father, a great grandfather and still my best friend and treats me as good as gold , but thats where it ends for us. If you would like to talk further about this to me just let me know.

  9. Phil Says:

    Being in this exact relationship with my own wife I can tell you some “inside” feelings from a man’s perspective. I too am ex military, have a great job, etc… My wife and I before marriage had a great sex life, then after the wedding it’s pretty much turned into a “chore” fo me. She puts it all on my and just lays there like a dead log, waiting and here it it ladies “expecting” me to get not only her but me in the mood as well. I’m sorry, but just laying there with more clothes on than you were wearing all day long is not a turn on. I talked to my wife about it, but it’s the same old same old. So, I’ve done just like her husband, I roll over and couldn’t care less about the sex anymore. I’m not cheating or anything like that, but when a woman gives up, there’s absolutely no reason for a man to keep on trying. Here’s another one that wasn’t mentioned, but gets back to being in the military. Being neat and clean around the house. Nothing irritates a military person like a mess or clutter. I know it drives me nuts and takes me right out of the mood. If I say somethig, she’s all upset and always comes back with some king of “well you do”. Never saying you’re right, it is MY mess let me get it cleaned up if it’s driving us apart. My wife turned into a slob after marriage and with that my feelings toward her have went from wife to roomate and a bad one at that. Sure we can get along and do things, but right now all I feel like is a wallet and someone that can lift heavy things and do chores, sex being one of them. It’s not ALWAYS the guys women. See what you’re doing that is irritating him and stop it. Pretty simple concept, but it will mean you will have to admit that you’re at fault too. Good luck with your marriage hopefully you won’t look at this as a sexest reply.

  10. Christopher Says:

    Have you ever thought that he might be suffering from depression which can affect sex drive. He may have low testosterone. He may have erectile dysfunction and wants it over ASAP before he can’t finish.

    Get him to a doctor.

    Be open to any kinks or fetishes he has. maybe he’s waiting for you to take charge and tie him down and have your way with him and he’s too afraid to ask you for this thinking that you’d think he’s a freak.

  11. Kasey Says:

    I disagree with most of you. My husband and I dated for 3yrs before we got married. And our sex life was wonderful he loves foreplay and never could keep his hands off me. Now that we are married have two kids our sex life is more of maybe twice a month when i want it daily. There is a seven year difference between us but that has never affected anything. My husband and all are best friends and lovers you have to have both and if your life is full of work and no play ur sex life isnt goin to be great. Since the kids where born our worring and stress was the mood killer. Joke around with him do something fun write sexy notes and buy u a toy and let him walk in seeing you using it and enjoying it and watch what happens and u get ur foreplay it works but make sure ur not stressing him about it have fun and when he sees you loose and having fun u will see a difference.

  12. Trustman Says:

    Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband…the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. and likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.. do not deprive one other except with consent for a time, that you give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self control. 1 corinthians 7:2-5; proverbs 5:15-20; This is advise from the Holy book. I dont know if you both believe because God can create a good heart to your husband, to rethink his torcher. if you dont believe in Jesus and his bible, you still have a great chance to make up your mind and repent and ask God, in Jesus Name to rebuild your Home. Psalms 127:1. Let God build your marriage. Remember your first Love and sweet things you used to do together and repent start doing it as if its the first time you have just seen him and want to kiss him lovingly. Revelation 2;4,5
    only Jesus can do it for you. John 15:5 without him you can do nothing. turn to God for help dont trust your own wisdom. Involve heaven to rescue your marriage for satan is here on earth destroying good things and people’s happiness. Happy Sabbath to you all. Remember Jesus died to save you. He love you so much love Him too. Ephesian 5:21-33

  13. jaggetz Says:

    How about maybe, he has a girlfriend.

  14. DD Says:

    I COMPLETELY understand what you’re going through as my husband also “rolls off” when he’s done leaving me frustrated and angry.
    We don’t have kids and have decided not to. But my husband can not last long and has no interest in getting me to orgasm before intercourse nor after he’s finished. I have even asked him to masturbate sometimes so he would last longer. He won’t. He’s offended by a dildo so can’t use that. I am also at my wits end. I have talked to him numerous times to no avail. At this point, I’m feeling a whole lot of nothing towards him and it makes me sad. I don’t know how to help you hon, as I’m experiencing the same problem – physical needs NEVER being met. But I want you know that you’re NOT alone and it’s perfectly fine to feel the way you do! When I read your story I fell out of my chair because I thought I was the only one and I felt bad about myself for it. But, we don’t have to feel bad and we do deserve better. Best of luck to you, and me!!

  15. Janet Says:

    I think what noone has captured here is that apparently, the second that her husband found out she was pregnant, he wanted nothing else to do with her sexually. Her second pregnancy was the same. Some men get really turned on by pregnant women and some men can never look at that woman the same way again, once she has a child. Psychiatrists have a name for it and it is the Madonna-Wh0re complex. Some men cannot get aroused when in a committed, monogamous relationship. He needs counseling and the wife does as well. The response “I’ll work on it” is not sufficient. Sex in marriage is a key component to staying together and for one partner to withhold it or show no interest in it is a HUGE problem that needs to be dealt with immediately if this marriage is to have half a chance.

  16. Ben There Says:

    He’s gay and repressed and it will never change.

  17. Butterfly Says:

    Its simple he told, just in a nice way he does not want you no more, he don’t find you attractive an he only has sex with you to shut you up!

    Bet you if you told him your done & want a divorce he wouldn’t care.

  18. nyago david Says:

    its simple,leave him he is tired of you. look for the one who will care.

  19. K Says:

    I am dealing with some of the same issues. My husband hardly ever wants to have sex. He used to blame it on my weight gain, the house is messy, he’s too tired . . . Finally he admitted that he has trouble getting it up. He’s in his mid 50s, a long-time smoker, and diabetic. I clicked on this page because I was hoping someone had some ideas. Instead I feel that I have advice:
    1. There are likely deeper issues there. See if you can get some alone time to tell him how much you love him and let him know you want to know what’s REALLY going on.
    2. Get him to a doctor if you can. Diabetes, high blood pressure, low testosterone, high stress, obesity, and many other conditions may make it difficult or impossible for him to perform.
    3. Be patient. Sometimes I think of how I would handle things if my husband was paralyzed or otherwise truly unable to have sex. I would still stick with him because I love him.

    I hope some of this is helpful. I have gotten to the point where I’ve been turned down for sex so many times that it’s hard to try anymore, but I won’t give up. I love him too much to allow lack of sex to ruin a good thing.

  20. Scorned Says:

    Hello,

    Went through this as well. Husband turned into roommate. 2 months ago I found out my husband had a porn addiction that stemmed from childhood and was happening throughout our entire 8 year relationship. If you google porn addiction it will inform you about all the signs. Check his browser history. Deleted? Just a thought of what it could be.

  21. Lisa R. Says:

    LEAVE NOW AND SAVE YOURSELF! Been there, done that, am happier now than when I second guessed everything and took all the blame. He is just not that into you, the end.

  22. jessie Says:

    same problem here:( however we have been together 15months. when we were first together, it was passionate and exciting! now he never initiates it, and when I do, he usually tries to put me off or its over in two mins. I know I’m not boring in bed, im almost a freak. I like to mix it up, I’m definitely not a sack and I love giving oral sex (sorry about details, just trying to give overview). I know my partner lives me very much and is definitely not cheating. he’s not gay and he is a great partner and a great step father. what upsets me is that he can make comments about hit chicks on tv (like when his mates are around) and likes a bit of porn (he has some on his phone)which I don’t mind. but jeez, give me a little of that honey love babe. it REALLY upsets and now I’m frustrated and sad. tried talking about it and theres always excuses, to tired, asking to much, maybe later, ‘I’m lame’, or he gets upset and completely shuts down. I NEED lots intimacy, I’m too young for a non exsistant sexlife:(


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