Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Beware of gold diggers. Especially while attending talks. (Don’t look at us — we don’t make this stuff up.)
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know how some people find your point of view unconventional and unexpected — what we like to call weird and abnormal? Well, you’ve got a kindred spirit out there, and you’re likely to bump into them this week. They’ll find your flair for telling stories about mutant alien baby monkeys charming, and you’ll fall for their unhealthy love of burlap. So don’t tone down the eccentricities this week like you normally do for your friends’ sakes.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We . . . would . . . like . . . to . . . teach . . . you . . . a . . . lesson . . . in . . . patience. Do you always skim the last few pages of a novel to get to the end? Do you get ants in your pants during commercial breaks? Is the suspense of waiting for the next season of “Homeland” killing you? Well, these small trials were put here on this Earth to make you a better person. And this week, the trial will take the form of . . . booty! Sucks to be you, but if you can bide your time for, oh, six days, we have a feeling you won’t be getting much rest on the seventh, heh, heh. (Don’t you love it when we make cheesy Biblical jokes like your dirty old Baptist uncle?)
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, be playful, be childlike, and be the boss. Which could be construed as a polite way of describing that other thing you do so well: Throwing down a tantrum. But you know the difference, and so do we: It’s about having fun, enjoying being in the driver’s seat, and not pissing your pants.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ll attract new partners with deep thoughts and sensual body language, which sounds to us more like excruciating amateur performance art than a dating M.O., but on you, it probably works. So do that sensuous thing you do so well and then start reelin’ ’em in. Don’t forget the soft jazz and scented candles.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You all know the difference between Mr./Ms. Right and Mr./Ms. Right Now. And conventional wisdom would have you believe that entertaining a Right Now while you wait for The Right One is okey dokey. But not this week. Because chances are your Right Now, who you might even think is a Mr./Ms. Right is going to turn out to be a Swimfan or a “Jersey Shore” addict. Best to wait. And wait . . . and wait if you have to. Not being stalked or having to watch the car accident of someone’s life on TV will be worth it.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Discretion is the better part of valor. We never quite understood the meaning of that old adage, but we’re guessing it has something to do with keeping your mouth shut. The gentlemen or lady understands that there are sometimes occasions when omission of the cold, harsh truth is apropos. (Such as, “Wow, that story you just told me about how you’re insecure about your oral sex abilities reminds me of this amazing head I once received from a hot eighteen year old who had never done it before!”) Don’t think of it as “lying”; think of it as “listening.”
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It’s like you’re on your own episode of “The Love Boat” this week, except without that annoying Julie McCoy getting in the way. Set a course for adventure; put your mind on a new romance. It won’t hurt any more, we promise (at least not until next week).
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
As “Downton Abbey’s” Dowager Countess so memorably said, “Don’t be defeatist dear, it’s terribly middle class.”
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates (that was last week, when it was Valentine’s Day.). No, this week, life is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book — you remember, those wicked cool kids’ “novels” where every few pages you have to decide what the main character does, and thus determine whether or not the adventure carries on or is cut short . . . ? Unfortunately, you can’t simply flip back the pages of your life when you make a sucky choice and start over. So choose wisely, especially this week, lest you wind up alone and miserable for the rest of your life, The End.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Nothing can express your horoscope better than the poetry-in-motion that is “Reunited,” as sung by Peaches and Herb:
I was a fool to ever leave your side
Me minus you is such a lonely ride
The breakup we had has made me lonesome and sad
I realize I love you ’cause I want you bad, hey, hey . . .
Reunited and it feels so good
Reunited ’cause we understood
There’s one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited ’cause we’re reunited, hey, hey . . .
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re living your own version of “The Bachelor” this week: Everyone you meet will be dazzled by your sparkling smile and golly-gee approach to life. The choice will be yours, so be discriminating — this could end in marriage. And we could have monkeys flying out our butts this very minute.
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