Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You don’t need any advice this week, you’ve got romance in the bag. So how about a cooking tip instead? Next time you make mashed potatoes, throw in a little nutmeg along with the butter and milk. (Just not too much nutmeg — turns out it’s a natural laxative, as Em learned the hard way one time she cooked dinner for friends.)
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Here’s a crazy idea: Pursue someone who seems nice. You’re familiar with the type? They hold open doors for others, give to charity regularly, carry heavy grocery bags for little old ladies, warn complete strangers about the piece of TP stuck to their shoe, always remember their mom’s birthday, never cheat on their partner. You know, the little things.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Unfortunately, Gemini, we couldn’t make heads or tails of your message from the stars this week. It just didn’t make any sense. So how about some handy advice instead? Think of this as a mission, should you choose to accept it: Go to a sex shop and splurge on an item you’ve always wondered about but haven’t had the nerve buy. Then use it before you come back next week for your next horoscope. Now that makes sense.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
When’s the last time you peed on the rug? So how come you’re letting your new companion make you sit up and beg for it? If they don’t love you just the way you are, maybe they’d be better off with a goldfish. And maybe you’d be better off without someone yanking on your leash every five minutes.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? Because this week, procrastination could mean missing the opportunity for one of the most amazing sexual encounters of your life. We thought that would get you up off your ass.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your feelings are going to change more than a traffic light. Stay away from committments, promises, and emotional outpourings. Unless, or course, you really want to mess with someone’s head.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We don’t want to be an after school special or one of those mortally annoying “The More You Know” PSAs on NBC. But you’re giving us no choice: If someone really loves you, they won’t pressure you to do something you really don’t want to do. Stand your ground. (Except, of course, when it comes to a little back-door play: Everyone should open themselves up to that at least once.)
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Serious horoscope reading alert, Scorp: Your life is about to change. And we’re not just talking about a sudden conversion to a vegan lifestyle or a drastic new hairdo. We’re talking the grand poobah, the big LTR (long-term relationship). So let your love flow. And let them eat Tofu Pups.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Most people are lucky if they get one chance to fall in love in their lifetime. But you, Sag, will have lots of opportunities to fall in love — and this week is looking good. What star did you blow to get such luck?
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You can’t make yourself necessary to someone — that’s something that happens organically, over the course of a relationship. And you definitely can’t be “needy enough for the both of us.” That’s what we like to call “desperate” or “scary.” So chill the eff out.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s not a race to the booty, you know. It wouldn’t kill you to get to know someone before you strip down and bear your soul, among other body parts. Stop and smell the roses before you go sniffing the sweet musk of some near-stranger’s armpits.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Aw, yeah: We love the smell of latex and lube in the morning.
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