Each week, we at¬†EMandLO.com¬†predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of¬†irreverent horoscopes¬†‚ÄĒ ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are whipped! Never a good thing. When you’re whipped you lose your spine and develop a drooling problem. Your friends become ashamed of your sycophancy or just annoyed by your constant talk about how cute your lover’s toots are. But worst of all, you put the object of affection up on a pedestal, where they are primed to jump off with both feet, land on your back, and walk all over you. As much as you’d like stick around and admire your beloved like a Rodin sculpture, walk away, at least for a little bit, before they crush you like a piece of granite falling on an ant.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Beauty’s only skin-deep, but there’s no law against primping and preening to give yourself an edge over your competitors in the hottie-hunting arena. First impressions and small talk are what get you to the more meaningful conversations and the wild animal sex. And if you want to give yourself a make-over that really works, then go heavy on the self-confident act, too. Remember, you’re only as confident as they think you are, and there’s nothing wrong with acting more confident than you feel. It’ll do wonders for your success rate. Note to overachievers: We said confident, not cocky. There’s an ocean of sleazy pick-up lines between the two.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Tongue tied, short of breath, don’t even try, try a little harder. Something’s wrong, you’re not naive, you must must be strong. Ooh, baby, try, move a little closer. You’re too shy shy . . . It’s like Kajagoogoo wrote that song just for you this week.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Looking into our crystal balls, we see…lots of sperm! Okay, okay, not what you we’re looking for. Looking into our crystal ball (singular), we see you in a relationship, a rather ho hum relationship. We see you feeling trapped, closed in, claustrophic. We see you jumping out the window for some “fresh air.” But it’s a long way down and, unlike cats, you don’t bounce. Take your fate in your own hands and walk out the front door with dignity (and your ass intact).
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week, if you act like the boss then you’ll get the say-so. Don’t be a wussy who’s “just happy to be friends.” You don’t need any more friends, you need to get laid! So gird your loins, down a shot, and go in for the kill, tiger.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Get ready for a good time this week. Of course, “good time” is a very personal, subjective thing, and so is prepping for it. If your idea of a good time is winning at Connect 4, then don’t bother shaving your naughty bits. There’s a vice versa in there somewhere, but it makes us blush just to think about it.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ve got flirtation on tap 24/7 like a frat house has PBR. This is great when you’re trying to pick up a hottie, but not so great when you’re hanging with your boss’s spouse or your best friend’s recent ex. The results could leave you feeling worse than a PBR hangover. So if you can’t stem the flow, just be careful who you’re flowin’ around, dig?
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It might feel like someone’s trying to steal your heart, but just make sure it’s not your wallet they’re after. Keep it in a safe place. Don’t give out your pin number in the throes of passion. And even if you’re tempted, don’t put yourself in any position where you may get stuck with the tab. If a romantic interest accuses you of being cheap, well, then, you didn’t want to be going out with such a shallow moocher anyway.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’re looking for that special connection who makes your face flush, your heart pound, and your genitals…well, let’s not get into that. (Though you might want to consider wearing more forgiving outfits.) Get involved in a physical activity you really enjoy and it might just lead you to that special someone. And if not — hey, at least the physical exertion will make your face flush and your heart pound. Like Meatloaf said, two out of three ain’t bad.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You and someone you work with are going to get it on. Just don’t let them take pictures, because you know they’ll somehow end up on the company server or in the company newsletter.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re a spaz, but on you, it works. And it will definitely attract some “interesting” potential partners. But just ’cause we call you “spaz” and use quotes around “interesting” to suggest that all your suitors will be ex-convicts, loud talkers, or Amway salespeople, don’t lose hope. You can have whichever ex-convict, loud talker, or Amway rep you want, lucky duck. Choose wisely.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Wear your heart on your sleeve this week. For once, a pigeon isn’t going to choose that very moment to poop all over it.
MORE FROM EM & LO: