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Top 20 Ways NOT to Kiss

Wed, Mar 20, 2013

Advice, How To

photo via Flickr

Sometimes it’s easier to impart sexual technique by focusing on what NOT to do — especially when it comes to something as variable as kissing, where there are so many different styles, techniques and preferences that many people enjoy. So by focusing on the negative — the 20 things almost all people DON’T enjoy — we hope to help you osculate with style.

Whatever you do, DO NOT…

1 … have bad breath or unclean teeth — it’s the equivalent of hooking up in underwear with skid marks.

2 … lick your lips before going in — this is not dinner.

3 … drown your lips in gloss or lipstick.

4 … tongue jab.

5 … have chapped lips.

6 … aim for their uvula with your tongue.

7 … slobber all over your partner’s face — spit is cold and nasty when it gets outside your mouth.

8 … make your tongue hard and pointy.

9 … head straight for the boobs, the ass or the crotch as soon as the kissing commences.

10 … immediately ram your tongue inside.

11 … open your mouth as wide as possible, like you’re attempting to eat the other person’s head.

12¬†… kiss with a cold sore (i.e. oral herpes).

13 … fail to mention that you have oral herpes, even if you’re¬†currently asymptomatic, as there’s still always a chance — albeit¬†slight — of transmission.

14 … run your tongue along their gums.

15 … sneak up on someone so they don’t have a chance to deflect the incoming kiss.

16 … hold their head in a headlock or press too hard, especially if beard stubble is involved.

17 … withhold tongue altogether.

18 … conduct the oral equivalent of a limp handshake — it’ll make your partner feel like they’re kissing a dead fish.

19 … look around or over your partner’s shoulder during the kiss. (Some people like to kiss with their eyes open, but we recommend keeping your peepers shuttered during a first or early kiss, as wide eyes can freak some people out.)

20 … kiss with gum or food in your mouth.

 

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