Each week, we at¬†EMandLO.com¬†predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of¬†irreverent horoscopes¬†‚ÄĒ ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Go on that blind date, the one your friend keeps nudging you to pursue. Strangely enough, your short-term memory will impress them. But it’s your impeccable long-term memory that will get them into bed.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
A life of navel gazing is fine for philosophers, but even they get out of their armchairs occasionally for a little Greek lovin’. This week, you’ll want to give up the contemplation to pursue less lofty, more corporeal adventures, in the spirit of Vin or Ahnold or Action Jackson. Remember, overthinking things is what got Hamlet killed, and Keanu Reeves is only hot when he acts like the idiot he is. Now that’s deep.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
As far as romantic concerns go, you’re going to change your mind more than Cher used to change costumes during a show. One day, you’ll believe in life after love. The next, you’ll be drowning your sorrows in drink, pouring your heart out to a pre-op she-male in a sailor hat and fishnets at your local dive bar, giving up on life and love completely. Don’t worry, though: The beat goes on.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Heading out into the dating world without a clear idea of what you’re looking for is like going grocery shopping without a list: Chances are high that you’ll end up with a cart full of junk food, that mysterious blue-light special from aisle three, and a couple of impulse buys from the check-out line. Sure, it might make for fun snacking for a night, but by the next morning you’ll be asking, Where’s the beef?
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Being mysterious does not mean giving vague, coy answers to questions posed by potential suitors. Nor does it mean only reading Mary Higgins Clark on the subway. Nor does it mean wearing a cape. No, being mysterious means leaving a little something to the imagination, not oversharing, and keeping your pants on for more than ten hours. This week, be a puzzle wrapped in a enigma that someone will want to bother unwrapping.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We know you think they’re called “blind dates” because you have to get blind drunk to find the person remotely attractive and/or interesting. But that doesn’t always have to be the case. Really. Some of our best friends met on blind dates, honest. Come on, give it one more shot this week — it’s not like you have any more appealing offers. (And if it turns out badly, just give it six more tequila shots, and the Advil’s on us the next morning.)
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Just because because you’re in a good mood, that doesn’t mean everyone else you pass should “smile — it can’t be that bad!” Just because you’re in a bad mood, doesn’t mean you have to poo poo everyone else’s good time. Just because you think it’s a brilliant idea, that won’t mean your colleagues will too. Just because you want to do it, doesn’t automatically mean your partner wants to stop watching TV. Just because your dog wags its tail when you do that thing, that doesn’t make it right, you sicko.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It’s hard to let go of a grudge sometimes. We’re gluttons for punishment — yeah, the punishment of others. It’s a very selfish, very satisfying thing. But if you don’t let go of your latest grudge, it may get in the way of you getting laid. Forgiveness can be a totally selfish act, too. Yippee!
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
When you fall for someone, it’s like you become a Jehovah’s Witness: you do everything in your power to convince the object of your affections to see the light and join you on this journey of love. Yet they almost always resist when you come on so strong, practically slamming the door in your face. Don’t put your foot in the door jam — you’ll just end up with a broken toe, maybe even a cop or two responding to the 911 call your beloved made when you wouldn’t back down. The best thing you can do is just quietly walk away. Once they start missing your little visits, and they’ll be calling you up for salvation before you know it.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Shut your pie hole this week. Otherwise, something’s likely to spill out of it that will upset the very person you are trying to impress. Actions will speak louder than words, so take them out to dinner, pull out their chair, chew with your mouth closed, bring the good lube.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You know all those songs that tell you to take a chance on love? Don’t listen to their lies! Proceed with caution this week. Be picky. Have some standards. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt, a second chance, or even just some slack are nice things you should avoid like the plague right now. Yes, be a total jerkwad — you have our permission.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Be a stealth bomber in your pursuit of love: Don’t just ask them straight out and give them a chance to say no. Instead, focus on becoming their friend so they don’t even realize they’re falling for you until it’s too late. And hey, if our cunning plan doesn’t work, at least we saved you from the sting of rejection.
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