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Comment of the Week: How to Get Past His Porn Habit

Wed, Apr 24, 2013

Comment of the Week, Confessions

Reader M said the following in response to our post “Your Call: Is Getting Him on a Porn Diet Realistic?

It sounds like the issue here is not about the porn, it’s about you feeling like a “porn substitute.” Part of this is something you need to work out on your own. This may be because of how your partner treats you sexually (if so, that’s a sign to DTMFA), but let’s assume that’s not what’s going on here.

There are several ways for you and your partner to work on this together. Just a “porn diet” I don’t think will work, because he will still watch porn and you will still feel bad about it, it might delay the problems you two are having but it won’t solve anything. These are some suggestions to try for a couple weeks and see if you feel more comfortable about porn.

  • You should have a conversation with him now about what makes you feel bad when he watches porn. That way he can know that those are difficult points for you and help you feel more attractive/secure/whatever.
  • I also recommend looking into feminist-created porn. It’s always a good thing to do (and may make the porn he’s watching a little more palatable for you)

1. If the problem is you worry he would rather watch porn than have sex with you:

  • He can watch porn all he wants, but only if he asks you if you’re in the mood first. And when you talk about porn he should remind you that it’s a poor substitute for the awesome sex he has with you.
  • This only works if you won’t then feel pressured or bad if you say no and then he watches porn.
  • There will be times when sex is too much but he still wants to watch something sexy – you either have to be okay with him asking if you mind him watching (you can discuss: either solo or with you) on occasion or him watching and promising to cover his tracks really well.

2. If the problem is you don’t feel as sexy as the porn stars:

  • He can watch porn but only with you. If you realize how sexy he finds you while he’s watching porn, you will not feel so threatened by it.
  • If you pick this one, you should have a pre-discussed contingency plan if you get upset by the porn.

3. If you just don’t feel ready for #1 or 2:

  • Try out reading your erotica together.

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2 Responses to “Comment of the Week: How to Get Past His Porn Habit”

  1. Kendra Richard Says:

    Or… Why is no porn not an option on this list, which was created for someone who is not exactly in favor of porn. I find this to be very un-feminist and quite frankly, totally male-dominated advice. Basically, you’re telling the person who’s uncofomfortable with porn use to force themselves to become okay with it. Tell him to “cover his tracks?!” So, hide it and pretend the problem does not exist? Yep, that’ll make for a great relationship. And when he’s out screwin’ someone else, just make sure he covers his tracks well there, too, right?

    Why was “if you’re uncomfortable with it, you DON’T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT” not an option on the list? That should’ve been first on the list. Nobody should have to make themselves deal with something that hurts them. Nobody should. It’s not okay.

    How about some better advice: Don’t put up with it! Know that you are better than that and that you’re better than being second best or even having to share! IMO, it’s either all me and only me (because I’ve realized that I’m that good. I’m worthy and I’m plenty good enough) or no me at all. I don’t do sharing. Some people can stifle the porn pain, others cannot, but advice should include options to not put up with it if you are very, very upset with it.

    It makes you feel badly? You told the reader that it was THEIR problem to deal with!? Noooo! That is terrible advice. In a relationship, problems are BOTH parties’ problems to “deal with.”

    If you don’t like pornography, you can ask your partner to figure out which is more important — you or porn. If he chooses you, fabulous! If not, there are plenty out there who do not need pornography to be turned on.

    Plus, why should anyone be told to put up with second best or sharing when there’s a big possibility they could have what they really, really want — to be their partner’s ONLY? Yes, there are plenty of men out there who love their partner enough not to have desires for other’s.

    Take it or leave it, but NEVER settle like this awful advice says for you to.


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