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Dear Em & Lo, I Secretly Used My Wife’s Sex Toy…Up My Butt

Thu, Apr 4, 2013

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Toys

Billy, LELO’s male massager

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Hello Ladies,

I am a married guy who occasionally reads your site for some ideas to share with my wife.¬† It seems like anal play both for him and her is a popular topic. My wife enjoys some occasional backside attention, and I’ve been trying to get her to give me some too. One time she used a butt plug on me while giving me a handjob. This resulted in the most intense orgasm I had ever experienced!¬† After that, I secretly used her dildo on myself just to see if it would fit, and it did. Now, I’ve asked her to use it on me, but she’s afraid of hurting me.¬† I don’t want her to freak out knowing I’ve already done it. Do you have any advice as to how to get her to play along?

Thanks!
Swimdad

Dear Dad (no wait, that’s all wrong…),

Have you heard of those urban legends of people getting their vacation camera film developed only to find pictures of their toothbrushes stuck up strangers’ butts? Well, this is practically the same thing…

You should be ashamed of yourself for secretly “borrowing” your wife’s dildo. A person’s sex toy is sacred, and only they should decide how, where, when and upon whom it is used. Being married doesn’t give you the right to defile her dildo. We can only pray you used a condom! If the toy is porous, fecal bacteria can get lodged in the microscopic nooks and crannies, potentially leading to a nasty infection for her, no matter how long you scrubbed it with anti-bacterial soap. Even if it’s a 100% non-porous silicone dildo that you boiled, using it up your butt without her consent was wrong.

You really should come clean. She might find the thought of you sneaking around with her toy endearing, like a little kid breaking into the cookie jar. And it’ll help get the conversation started about your anal intentions. But if she’s already used the toy on herself since the scandalous abduction, and you suspect there’s even a slight chance she won’t be amused (we certainly wouldn’t be), then we might recommend having some sort of “accident” with the dildo (it falls in the toilet, the dog uses it as a chew toy, it just mysteriously disappears). Either way, you definitely owe her a nice, new dildo she can truly call her very own — and make sure it’s an upgrade: a high-end, medical-grade silicone dildo from Tantus or Vixen Creations or Fun Factory.

While you’re at it, get yourself your own dildo, specifically reserved — and designed — for your butt, like the Pro Touch or LELO’s Billy. It should have a flared based (so as not to get lost up there); a gentle curve to target your P-spot is always nice; and again, we’d go for a non-porous silicone number that won’t harbor bacteria (any of the aforementioned would actually work, too). Don’t forget some lube, too. If you get one specifically designed for a man’s tush, one that’s a smidge smaller than her dildo, that may help allay some of her fears about hurting you.

When it comes to convincing her, tell her you’ve been practicing with your fingers in the shower or with this — surprise! — your own personal man-butt dildo (you may not be allowed to secretly stick her vagina’s dildo up your butt, but you ARE allowed to quietly purchase your own personal butt plug). Tell her your experimentation has been absolutely fine, physically-speaking. (Even better if what you’re telling her is actually true. You know, it’s that whole honesty thing again.) Tell her the only thing missing is her, and it’s your ultimate fantasy to have HER doing the knocking on your backdoor.

But frankly, the convincing part isn’t really your problem. Not being honest with her and not respecting her property is. We hope this virtually spanking has taught you a lesson: don’t take other people’s sex toys without their permission. Isn’t that one of the first things you learn in kindergarten?

Anal retentive,
Em & Lo

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2 Responses to “Dear Em & Lo, I Secretly Used My Wife’s Sex Toy…Up My Butt”

  1. ralphie Says:

    Em & Lo,

    While you are correct that that the letter writer’s behavior was abhorrent, I have an issue with the tone of your response. Rightly or wrongly, I first view the two of you as educators. A seriously important lesson needed to be addressed here (just as it would need to be addressed if the letter writer was talking about engaging in vaginal intercourse immediately after engaging in anal intercourse). Berating the letter writer may cause him, or some of your other readers, to turn you off and disregard the important lesson your trying to transmit involving anal play and the sharing of toys. There was a better way you could have addressed the letter and still made this important point.

  2. Breezy Says:

    I agree with Ralphie wholeheartedly. I got stuck on “you should be ashamed”– it’s difficult to separate the shame you’re doling out for sneaking a dildo and the shame society often applies to people (perhaps especially men) who are interested in butt play.

    I get what you’re saying. It’s not cool (and potentially dangerous) to borrow someone else’s sex toy without permission, and I would probably feel betrayed if this letter were from my husband. BUT you could probably have gotten that point across without deciding who should or should not be ashamed. You guys are better than that! (Haha, see, now I’m shaming! But seriously, don’t do that.)


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