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Your Call: How Do I Get Over All the Sex She’s Had Before Me?

Mon, Apr 29, 2013

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

We get a lot of¬†advice questions¬†coming in at¬†EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can‚Äôt answer them all. Which is why,¬†once a week, we turn to you to¬†decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. We’re tempted to give this guy a piece of our mind, but we have a feeling that you, dear readers, are more than up to the task!

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Dear Em & Lo,

I’m with a woman who has three daughters from different fathers. I’ve known her for a very long time as I’m a family friend — when we both met we liked each other, but never did anything about it. Now we live together but she really likes to have sex. Likes porn, loves to fantasize during sex. I know she has had sex with at least two women and she’s just wild when it comes to sex.

We have good sex (I think) but she never gets enough. It’s not a problem for me as I am more than capable, but it’s bothering me to think she has had lots of sex before me.¬†Am I overreacting?¬†She says it’s never been the same with other partners because she loves me.¬†I find that to be such a BS excuse. I think she’s slutty, just from a guy’s point of view.¬†I don’t know what to think, but I’m not that convinced with this girl. Help Me…

– Too Good to Be True

What’s your advice for Mr. Too Good to Be True? Leave your suggestions (slash ass-kicking) in the comments section below!

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12 Responses to “Your Call: How Do I Get Over All the Sex She’s Had Before Me?”

  1. Nikki Says:

    Ugh. “Slutty?” What exactly makes her slutty? Having had sex before you came around? Enjoying sex too much? If you have so little respect for her, why are you with her? I hope she has the good sense to figure out she deserves better than you.

  2. moneda Says:

    I have this overwhelmingly sad feeling that he’s not going to realize how much he’s taking this woman for granted until he’s lost her. He’s going to lose her, eventually, is what I gather from that letter. He’s jealous of all her previous lovers, he thinks she’s “slutty,” he’s not confident (despite what he says about being able to satisfy her sexual appetite) that she loves him enough to be satisfied with him… so she’ll grow tired of his insecurity or his jealousy will push her away. Unless he manages to grow the hell up with a quickness I hope he doesn’t exhibit in bed. This woman has three children, he needs to keep her confident that he won’t be her fourth, realize that either he trusts her or he doesn’t and work on treating her with the respect that she deserves.

  3. Johnny Says:

    The way to cure yourself of things like jealousy, Madonna/whore complex, insecurity, etc., is to have lots and lots of sex of your own. Get laid a whole lot, and you will cease to care so much about other peoples’ sex lives.

    Frankly the kids-all-over-the-place thing would concern me more than her “sluttiness.”

  4. Melody Says:

    Frankly, I think the relationship is doomed.
    He thinks she is slutty. If he already made that judgement call it shows he has no respect for her.

    What does he want a virgin? A woman who doesn’t enjoy sex? What?

    If he can’t date a woman without judging her past sexual experiences then he is going to have a hard time finding someone to date.

  5. Ashley Says:

    I agree with all the above. if having children before you came along is considered slutty, you knew that before having sex with her (or at least I hope you did). if for whatever reason the topic of children came up afterwards, THEN would’ve been the time to make your exit, and not by saying that you think she is slutty. the whole thing just doesn’t make sense…this probably isn’t something you can just “get over”. next time…lay your requirements out on the table before having sex.

  6. figleaf Says:

    If I can play Solomon for a minute here how about I suggest you break up with her publicly and loudly, report her to child-protective services as a bad mom, tell her friends and relatives and yours that she’s “slutty, from a guy’s point of view” and that you’re just too nice a guy to have to endure that. And neither should anyone else with any pride.

    Sound like fun? Sound like you?

    Or let’s try it like this: what if someone were to say all these things you’ve been saying about her? Would you stand up for her or cheer them on? Would you let them talk you out of a relationship with someone you’ve identified as an old friend you care about who say she loves you? Or would you stand by her and tell him he needs to change the subject pronto?

    I’m asking these questions because I think everyone else is a little mad at you for feeling this way. But we don’t really learn a lot when we’re personally attacked. So I though I’d frame this in terms of her being publicly attacked instead. Because I’m… pretty sure you actually like her, admire her, are even a little intimidated by her, but want to stay together with her. (Otherwise you’d have broken up without bothering to write in, right?)

    Last question: unless you happened to be as chaste and virginal as the driven snow till finally getting together with her, what would you say if she started flipping out about the number of partners you’d had? Because sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander, right?

    Libido-wise chances are you’ll both settle down. Don’t ruin a good thing till you’re sure it’s actually not a good thing.

    Last bit of advice: don’t worry that this relationship might not turn out to be “the one” for either you or her. Not because it might not be but because, a lot of the time, worrying about whether this is “the one” can get in the way of letting it become a good one. And if it doesn’t work out? Don’t make it be about her past history — make it be about your history together.

    But good luck. I actually think you and she will do fine.

    tfl

  7. Tom Jones Says:

    I can’t believe that a man would call his partner slutty because she’s had more sex than he has. What if it was the other way around, would you be playing the stud card? If the man has had sex outside marriage himself, then he’s being hypocritical.

  8. hannah Says:

    Sigh… A man wants a virgin who will be his whore.

    I am going to try to avoid criticizing though, since I think this is a case where you legitimately don’t realize the misogyny underlying your feelings. Maybe your problem could easily be resolved if you could just get to the root of why you feel that way and see how deeply offensive and hateful it is to women.

    The issue is, when you obsess too much about what your woman did in the past- how much, with whom, how often, and how ecstatically- you are treating her as a piece of your property. Her body is not yours though, and what she did with it before has nothing to do with you, plain and simple. And you can’t just pick and choose which parts of her you want to love, so it’s important to see how these experiences have shaped her and how they are a part of things that make her really amazing.

    Her being a “slut” comes along with all sorts of positive things. Maybe she is a very empowered, intelligent person who knows what she wants. Maybe she is a very loving, sensuous person who enjoys intimacy and delights in pleasure. Maybe she’s super adventurous and curious, and she wants to see all that life has to offer. These qualities could all result in someone having a lot of sex in their past, but they are essentially GOOD qualities that you probably love about her.

    It’s not right to reduce her simply to her number and then to attach a label to that. How do you get over that? Put the “slutty” part of her back together with that whole beautiful person that she is. If you talked to men who had been married 10 or 20 years, most of them would love to have your problem. I mean, a woman who loves sex and is great at it? And who will actually want to keep having it with you several years down the line? If you can’t stand that, then just let her go and find some virgin who is afraid of sex and has no idea how to orgasm. Or find someone who genuinely doesn’t like sex, and never wanted to have it with anyone, including you. Believe me, there are thousands of men (and women) who would love your woman exactly as she is.

  9. Dave Says:

    As I read this , the man who has been a family friend for some time , has been drawn into a relationship by a woman who has a great need of sex . Effectively he has allowed himself to be used , though there is mutual pleasure and gratification . One can learn a lot from a woman who has much experience of lovemaking with different men . If the woman is slutty , that is something quite different that he could/should have seen before cohabiting with her .

  10. Kate Says:

    First of all, you dated her even though you were a friend and knew all about her having the 3 children from 3 different guys. So you were attracted to her probably for her wild side. Now you can’t handle it.Everyone has a past. Get over it. The past is the past for a reason. Calling her slutty means you cannot handle her or your relationship and that is not fair to her, especially if she says she loves you. I can’t imagine a guy telling me our great sex life is too much for him because he can only think about my past. Do her a favor and let her go.

  11. Don @ HowYouCanFindLove Says:

    I love how if a woman has lots of partners she is slutty, but if a guy has a lot of partners he is experienced. The fact is, what is done is done. You can’t go back and change things. I never ask a woman how many partners she has had because all that matters is that she is with me now, and she is with me now for a reason. She isn’t with the other guys for a reason as well. Become more confident knowing that she is with you because she wants to be.

  12. annonymous Says:

    First of all, I understand where you are coming from. I think you could have gotten your point across without calling her “slutty” but I can understand your underlying point.

    I too have a fear of dating a women who has even had sex once before me.

    It’s not that I am shallow, I just find it disgusting to think that someone else has been inside her (I am a germaphobe).

    Anyway, there are only 2 option you have.

    1. If you really love this woman, then go to a cognitive behavioral therapist (or counselor) and try to see another way to look at the situation and her. Not everyone makes the correct decision 100% of the time in their life and obviously she has made some mistakes. That being said you should also address the fact that you think of her as “slutty”. It is not a good thing to think of someone that way and remain in a relationship with them. That is a formula for an abusive or broken relationship that is doomed to fail.

    2. break up with her if you feel like there is no way to overcome this feeling. I would give the therapist a good try first (Actually dedicate yourself to it, or else you will just be wasting money).


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