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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-22-13

Mon, Apr 22, 2013

Horoscopes

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There’s all kinds a’ passion, as Bubba might say. Love-passion, sex-passion, football-passion, jealous-passion. Mistaking one for the other can lead to trouble.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So maybe Paula Abdul believed that opposites attract, but since when do you take dating advice from a pill-popping ex Idol judge who once put Keanu Reeves in one of her music videos? We’re not going to tell you to stop being attracted to a certain someone (that’s like asking Kobe Bryant to please stop being so tall, or Lindsay Lohan to please stop being so dramatic). But we will say this: take it as slowly as your libido allows for (feel free to chew on ice). Because we have a feeling that pretty soon all those little “quirks” that you find so endearing (their NRA membership, their facial tattoo, their belief in personal energy fields, whatever) will be as annoying to you as they are to the rest of us. And then won’t you be sorry if you already slept with them?

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Life isn’t always like the movies — sorry, we hate to burst your bubble — but we have occasionally found some useful dating tips in the Oscar-winning ones. As Good as It Gets, for example. Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt, “You make me want to be a better man.” Even if you don’t have OCD, there’s a lesson here: Mr. or Ms. Right doesn’t arrive neatly packaged on your doorstep with postal insurance and a “Right” label on their forehead. No, you and your right-hand man or woman will inspire each other to be better people (and more right for each other) on a daily basis. If you keep your standards high, everyone will have a happy ending.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Em eats pizza with mayonnaise. (Gross, right?) But you’d be amazed at what a conversation starter this is. She’s made more than one acquaintance by catching someone’s eye with this disgusting dietary habit, yes sirree. This week, take Em’s lead and really focus on what makes you unique, what truly sets you apart, and perhaps you can skeeve out someone you’d have otherwise never met.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
In the immortal words of rock band Pearl Jam, country singer Faith Hill, and actor Drew Barrymore in the movie¬†Ever After:¬† “Just breathe.” Everyone’s got a little anger and anxiety brewing — if you didn’t, you’d be Deepak Chopra (and we have a feeling his sex life is a bit of a yawner). Just don’t let these emotions get in the way of your good time this week — or your partner’s.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
In Buffy, the Vampire Slayer (the 1992 movie, of course), our shop-aholic savior doesn’t go out looking for fangsters. No, they come to her. She doesn’t act, she just reacts, breaking hearts left and right. You’ll be able to relate this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, go to a club that does punk-rock karaoke with a live band. Even if you’ve never been before, even if it’s not quite your thing, get up there and give it a shot, shake your groove thang, sing off-key, etc. You’re sure to make an ass of yourself, but who knows, in the process you might wind up meeting some new and interesting people. Or you could just end up getting your ass kicked. But sometimes making a special friend or two is worth a black eye. (That’s so punk rock anyway.) Okay, okay, you don’t necessarily have to sing “Anarchy in the UK” in front of a bunch of black-clad, studded-belt wearing strangers, but it could be a good time for you to break out and bust a few new moves in front of a wider audience.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
As much as we wanted the body wave, the red nails, the off-the-shoulder shirt and the shiny, black, painted-on pants, we always liked — and related to — the inquisitive, thoughtful, pensive Sandra Dee. Personifying Sandy Version 1.0 this week could really help you transform into the hot, black-clad, sex cat you’re destined to be.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We’re not suggesting you play hard to get (and god forbid we ever give out such low-life advice), but we will say this: What’s your rush? You have all the time in the world, and the longer you take to make your decision, the more attentive a certain someone will become. (Which is not your goal, of course; it’s simply a pleasant side effect.)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If Hollywood were high school (wait, you mean Hollywood isn’t one big high school?), then Reese Witherspoon would be prom queen and homecoming queen and class president and captain of the soccer team, too. And try as you might, you just wouldn’t be able to dislike her, because she’d be so nice to all the geeks, even you. Except you don’t live in Hollywood so you don’t have to be the geek, you get to be Reese Witherspoon! Yeah, that’s what we meant to say: if your life were Hollywood, then you’d be the impossible-to-resist Reese Witherspoon this week. And you didn’t even have to lose thirty pounds or get a nose job to be that way.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
What do Susan Powter, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Donald Trump, Courtney Love, Patti Stanger, and your spinning instructor at the gym have in common? Yes, they’re all quite scary in their own inimitable ways, but what else? That’s right: they’re aggressive. And we have a feeling they have pretty amazing sex lives too (or at least they¬†think¬†they have pretty amazing sex lives, which is half the battle). Follow their lead and take the lead.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
No one ever met the love of their life sitting home on a Saturday night in front of their computer. Unless of course they were using online personals, in which case they were either on their way to meeting Mr./Ms. Right or to having a great horror dating story to tell at cocktail parties. As much as we encourage you to post an ad and respond to others online, sometimes you’ve just got to put the mouse down and go outside for some fresh air and in-the-flesh flirting. Your ass will thank you for it.

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2 Responses to “Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-22-13”

  1. Nikki Says:

    It wasn’t Forrest, it was Bubba. :)

  2. emandlo Says:

    Fixed now — thanks Nikki!


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