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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-29-13

Mon, Apr 29, 2013

Horoscopes

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Blame it on hormones, blame it on too many romantic comedies last week, blame it on springtime–whatever it is, you’ve got the urge to merge. Permanently. Avoid socializing in your same old haunts, lest you wind up making a lifelong commitment to your favorite barfly–think outside the box.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Everyone wants to be a movie star. But with fame comes the risk of an inflated sense of self-importance and an ego the size of a Buick. You get used to getting anything and everything you want, the way you want it, immediately. But we don’t have to tell you that in real life things don’t work that way. (We don’t have to tell you that, but we just did anyway.) Compromise may not be as glamorous as ordering a bottle of Dom at the VIP table and pouring it in an ice bucket just to chill your second bottle of Dom for the sixteen supermodels you’ve surrounded yourself with ’cause that’s the way you like it, ahuh, ahuh. But come on, does that really sound like fun?

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If, at 108, Hugh Hefner can have 15 girlfriends at a time and, better still, walk around in his pajamas all day long, then you certainly can find a way to live out a few of your mini-fantasies for a day or two this week. Just get a new pair of slippers and see what happens.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We know we always say that playing hard to get went out with VCRs (so over). And generally, we are big proponents of playing it straight (but not in the square way). This week, however, you might want to go a little retro and play a teensy-weensy bit hard to get. Just don’t tell anyone we told you so, okay? We’ve got a rep to protect.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Public transportation is often cheap, dirty and boring. Sex with strangers is often the same way. Travel in (and with) style this week–hell, this year.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don’t get all Chris Brown on your lover’s ass this week. Chill, and get another tattoo or something. Confrontation will only land you in the doghouse, or–heaven forbid–the jailhouse. Save your pent-up frustrations for the homemade sex video shoot.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Slow down, you move too fast. You got to make the morning last. Hey, who says it’s not Simon & Garfunkel Week? Sometimes their hippy dippy lyrics get to the point of life and love quickly and efficiently. Apply the above line to your romantic approach this week, and you should be feeling groovy.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Love is likely to develop in the strangest ways this week. Kind of like when you pick up the wrong roll of film from the photo lab and discover exactly what your next-door neighbor likes to do with his¬†.¬†.¬†. no, no, we can’t say, no one else should have to bear the burden of that knowledge. Except, with love, it’s a nice surprise, and we don’t call it “gross,” we call it “serendipity.”

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ll be in an affectionate mood this week, so don’t waste it. Get in touch with someone who interests you and make a date. It’s time you took control of your love life. Kind of like Demi Moore in St. Elmo’s Fire when she does all that cocaine with the sheiks in the fancy hotel and Judd Nelson* comes to take her home and she says, “What, and waste all this good coke?” Except, in your case, you’re just high on life.
(* Or was it Andrew McCarthy? If you remember, please tell us in the comments, it’s killing us!)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
As a kid in school, romantic relationships were easy, and often built in a day: you go to a kegger in the woods after school on a Friday, get to second base with a new special friend that night and end up dating for the rest of the year until Prom, when you get drunk on your Mom’s Peach Schnapps and end up making out with your high school math teacher. Not so as an adult: these days, relationships take time. Friendships need to be established first. You don’t necessarily have to give anyone a brightly colored, beaded friendship pin to put on their Keds, but some kind of nod to your blossoming friendship can only help get you to second later.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Never just assume monogamy and commitment in the early stages of dating someone — even if you’re a bit of a romantic, an idealist, a dreamer. Like Sherlock Holmes (and those of us with our feet on this planet) know: Assume nothing! The only way you can be sure you and someone new are playing by the same rules is to open your mouth and define those rules. Even then, there’s no guarantee. But at least when you catch your new luvva in bed with your boss, you’ll be comforted–albeit minimally–by the fact that you were open and honest, unlike that no-good, lying piece of poopoo.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You may be in the mood, but whomever you’re with will be looking for a commitment. Be sure you know what you’re doing. Don’t let your heart rule your head, or you may end up in a sticky situation.

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