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Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; She Thinks I’m Nuts

Mon, May 27, 2013

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

Tilda Swinton, open relationship poster child

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

I would like for my wife to have an affair, with my permission. It is someone we met and she shared kisses with. He is safe and not a threat to our marriage. She thinks I am nuts.

I want her to try it at least once, and hope she will share the details with me afterwards. I find it very arousing. We have been married for 28 years, and she is still as hot and beautiful now, but does not have the confidence in herself. I think it might help in all aspects. She and I still have a nice sex life, so that is not the issue.

– Free Bird

What words of wisdom do you have for Free Bird? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.

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16 Responses to “Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; She Thinks I’m Nuts”

  1. Abby Says:

    My two pennies… I think you may be playing with fire. Have you ever had a long held fantasy that you’ve played over and over in your head and then when it actually happened only you for to be let down or disappointed by the result? While it may be hot to think of your wife with another man and then hearing about it, I think it could cause some unforeseen issues with you both down the line. I say approach with caution and really have a heart to heart about all the outcomes that could happen.

  2. figleaf Says:

    While I’m all for open relationships I’m not exactly open to forcing them open for one’s own gratification when the other partner doesn’t wish it.

    It would be problematic if you summarily informed your partner that you were going to have sex with someone else because it aroused you but it was against her wishes, right? That’s usually pretty straightforward.

    So how is it different if you instead want your partner to have sex with someone else because it arouses you, but it’s against her wishes?

    This is all above and beyond the very sensible concerns Abby raises in her comment, above.

    Note also other concerns that might arise over her attraction for this other guy. She may be saying no to protect a relationship she values considerably: yours!

    tfl

  3. Johnny Says:

    You’ve thrown it out there. Give her some time to think about it. I think most people would feel pressured to have some sort of token, “you’re nuts” reaction to a suggestion like that. If that’s what she’s doing, then she’ll come around, and she’ll let you know.

    Or maybe she just thinks this idea is nuts. In that case, you’ve got to let it go.

  4. J Says:

    I’ll just throw in my two cents here… I’m not married and have no way of knowing the dynamics of your marriage. Also, your wife may not share my feelings in anyway. But, if my man wanted me to sleep with another man it would kind of bum me out. I think it would make me feel devalued somehow. I think feeling pressured towards it would really hurt me. I think it’s crucial that you ask your wife about her emotional reaction to this one and make sure she understands yours.

    Regardless, you shouldn’t push the situation. You put your thoughts out there and the rest is up to her.

  5. Nikki Says:

    What Figleaf and Johnny said. You’ve floated the idea, let it sit. If you really think she had a knee-jerk “You’re nuts” reaction because she thinks that’s how she’s supposed to react, rather than how she really feels, then you can mention it once more, in a pressure-free way. But then you have to let it go. If she’s just not into it, pushing the issue could be disastrous. If she winds up doing it not because she wants to, but because she feels like it’s something she has to do for your sake, and ends up regretting it, it could wind up doing some serious damage to your relationship. And if she does come around, take it slow. Sometimes people rush into fulfilling a fantasy, only to discover maybe they didn’t want to fully realize it in real life after all. If she is game, don’t go from just kissing someone else to full on sex – start with her fooling around with this other guy more, and work your way up to the full blown “affair,” while checking in as to how you are both feeling about it.

  6. Val Says:

    In my opinion this is not something to be pushed. You have asked the question and she has given you her answer. She may change her mind, but if she doesn’t, it’s up to her.

  7. Mary Putana Says:

    If she thinks you’re nuts, at least the topic is on the table, and you can talk about fantasies by both of you and evaluate together which are worthwhile trying. It won’t become an addiction.

  8. hannah Says:

    If it’s so important to you, maybe you could dress up in your wife’s clothing, wear a wig, and sleep with this man yourself. You can videotape it and watch it later, pretending it was your wife with him and not you.

    Oh wait, you don’t wanna sleep with him and the very suggestions is ludicrous and a little gross? Yeah that’s exactly how she feels.

  9. Dave Says:

    I agree that you should let it sit for a spell and see how she feels. That said I think many of the other people responding are ignoring the fact that this is a particular man your wife is already attracted to and enjoys kissing not some random man that you’ve picked to fulfill your own fantasy. It seems like you’re just looking to see if your fantasy and her interest can maybe overlap and that can be a very good thing in a marriage. Time will tell. Don’t push it. Maybe try as a couple to get to know him better.

  10. Dan Says:

    I feel the same, I find the idea of being a cuckold quite a turn on, I am pretty sure my wife did cheat on me when we were first together but that was 11 years ago now, however I still masturbate to the thought of it.

  11. Paul Says:

    I have felt the exact same feelings. I encouraged my wife to do this for years, and when she finally did – WOW – every exciting! Definitely not for everyone, but if you can both be into it and you have a fantastic marriage, why not?

  12. ron Says:

    thanks for some of the comments , we have met this person a few times and have enjoyed his conversation and she has shared some kisses and touches back an forth. most recently we wnjoyed a nice evening of drinks and gave him a ride to his car , he asked her to get in the back seat with him and she obliged , before long they were sharing some kisses and then we said good nite.
    we will meet again and who knows? it has all been very arousing to say the least.

  13. 895cxi Says:

    You go for it, your not nuts, you want your wife to enjoy another man’s body. I’m similar to you, but my wife just doesn’t get it. I love her, but want to see her fulfilled

  14. Dave Says:

    I think you need to tread very carefully here… just to give you my experience…

    my wife and I often talked about her being with another guy while we were making love and it really heated things up and she would often get really turned on by the idea (during sex) but afterwards not so much.

    One day we were at a nudist beach and walking through the dunes, this guy with a towel wrapped around him, flashed his semi-erect penis at my wife. She stopped dead and could hardly believe her eyes, we talked about for a few secs and decided we would pitch our beach shelter and have some fun with this guy. Once set up, the wife and I started to make love while he watched on, he gradually came closer and touched my wifes breasts. She seemed ok with this so we kept going, then I got too horny and had a disconnect between my brain and the rest of me, I took her hand and placed it on his balls. She didn’t really react and started to do more with him.

    Eventually, he came on her hand and breast. I was in heaven still making love to her. However, not long after she told me to stop that she couldn’t continue and started crying. we packed up said goodbye to the guy and left.

    Afterwards we talked about it and it turns out she was happy to watch but never wanted to touch the guy and after I made her touch him she was upset and just wanted it to finish quickly, which is why she pulled him to make it end as soon as she could. If I hadn’t rushed her in to touching him, she said that she thinks it could have happened naturally when she was ready but that now she no longer wants to think about it or try it again.

    That was several years ago and it still causes problems in our relationship and sex life.

    Please do not rush in to anything and don’t push her in to doing anything she doesn’t want. Anything you agree to do should be talked about well in advance and clear boundaries set so everyone knows what everyone else is comfortable with.

  15. JT Says:

    My husband has encouraged me to have an affair and it is totally adding spice to our marriage. We are very open about everything and he loves to hear the details. I think in general, our society needs to open up when it comes to sex and multiple partners. Humans are sexual beings – we should celebrate that, not hide it!! Hope it all works out for you two!

  16. Harry Says:

    JT said it best. Broach the subject carefully, move forward in a sensitive way and enjoy.


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