Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; She Thinks I’m Nuts

Tilda Swinton, open relationship poster child

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

I would like for my wife to have an affair, with my permission. It is someone we met and she shared kisses with. He is safe and not a threat to our marriage. She thinks I am nuts.

I want her to try it at least once, and hope she will share the details with me afterwards. I find it very arousing. We have been married for 28 years, and she is still as hot and beautiful now, but does not have the confidence in herself. I think it might help in all aspects. She and I still have a nice sex life, so that is not the issue.

— Free Bird

What words of wisdom do you have for Free Bird? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.

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18 Comments on "Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; She Thinks I’m Nuts"


Ken
8 months 9 days ago

I am in a ‘cuckold’ situation in my marriage, but this took years of slow, gentle encouragement. At first it was just me whispering my dirty fantasies in her ear during intimate moments. After she had come to understand my desire, she started taking small steps to tease and please me. This happened most often while on vacation. In beautiful places with beautiful strangers. At first it was limited to small acts of flirting and a little exhibitionism here and there – often on the pretext of a dare. Most importantly, I never pushed her toward anyone specific. If she felt flirty and fun (and a little buzz always helped) I gently encouraged her to explore her wild side.

After years of this she eventually became comfortable enough to take things to a new level with a handsome stranger of her choice.

Believe me: I understand this desire. But you have to keep it light and take it slow and maybe – just maybe – she will explore this desire more fully. But the last thing you want to appear as to your wife is a creepy, pushy sexual deviant. That will freak her out and you will probably A: never realize your fantasy and B: lose your wife in the process.

zuh
9 months 2 days ago

Im 22 and been in a long distant relationship for 4 years (first love for both of us) and I share similar types of feelings.

My girlfriend started to talk to some lads explicitly through facebook which hurt me and I told her as soon as I found out. She then stopped. I ended up doing the same thing until she found me out.

However lately I have started to develop feelings where I wish she cheats on me, whether it be me knowing or unknowing. So I made her aware of this and spurred her on to talk to other males (who ever she wanted) online.

She made a friend who shese very close with now and shares all her problems with now too, so whenever we have an argument she turns to him for support and advice. I told her I dont mind that and enjoy it when shese in contact with him. Shese evens sends me screen shots of their conversation where she will send him pictures and he will give her lots of compliments.

she has told me she would like this to carry on after marriage too so I am happy about it. One day i hope she will have a full on affair with him. Our love life is still fantastic as we both love each other and she constantly tells me how much she loves me. I want her to stay happy and I feel now if I told her to stop contacting him (not that I want to) she wouldnt be happy.

point being here is that when I introduced my idea to her, I still gave her a choice by saying Ide like her to starting contacting ‘any type of guy you like’ as opposed to a certain person.

one day I feel like I will be a real cuckold and I cannot wait for it

Harry
1 year 6 months ago

JT said it best. Broach the subject carefully, move forward in a sensitive way and enjoy.

JT
1 year 6 months ago

My husband has encouraged me to have an affair and it is totally adding spice to our marriage. We are very open about everything and he loves to hear the details. I think in general, our society needs to open up when it comes to sex and multiple partners. Humans are sexual beings – we should celebrate that, not hide it!! Hope it all works out for you two!

Dave
1 year 6 months ago

I think you need to tread very carefully here… just to give you my experience…

my wife and I often talked about her being with another guy while we were making love and it really heated things up and she would often get really turned on by the idea (during sex) but afterwards not so much.

One day we were at a nudist beach and walking through the dunes, this guy with a towel wrapped around him, flashed his semi-erect penis at my wife. She stopped dead and could hardly believe her eyes, we talked about for a few secs and decided we would pitch our beach shelter and have some fun with this guy. Once set up, the wife and I started to make love while he watched on, he gradually came closer and touched my wifes breasts. She seemed ok with this so we kept going, then I got too horny and had a disconnect between my brain and the rest of me, I took her hand and placed it on his balls. She didn’t really react and started to do more with him.

Eventually, he came on her hand and breast. I was in heaven still making love to her. However, not long after she told me to stop that she couldn’t continue and started crying. we packed up said goodbye to the guy and left.

Afterwards we talked about it and it turns out she was happy to watch but never wanted to touch the guy and after I made her touch him she was upset and just wanted it to finish quickly, which is why she pulled him to make it end as soon as she could. If I hadn’t rushed her in to touching him, she said that she thinks it could have happened naturally when she was ready but that now she no longer wants to think about it or try it again.

That was several years ago and it still causes problems in our relationship and sex life.

Please do not rush in to anything and don’t push her in to doing anything she doesn’t want. Anything you agree to do should be talked about well in advance and clear boundaries set so everyone knows what everyone else is comfortable with.