Your Call: How Can She Get a Boyfriend?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

I am so frustrated being nearly 24 and never had a relationsship. I’m outgoing, I have great friends, I’m doing well in grad school, I have traveled extensively and I have many interests. My confidence is usually okay, I’m actually most confident in clubs as I do get a lot of looks from guys.

But the problem is I feel most guys look at me as hookup material. I’m blond and have a nice figure, but I usually try to chat to guys about my studies and things that interest me or my travelling (and of course ask a lot about them as well).

Why is it so hard for me to find guys that are looking for a girlfriend? I have not been on a date for half a year and very often I am not attracted to the guys that ask me out on dates. I usually say yes just to try it, but without attraction there’s no point for me to continue seeing them.

I hope I do not come off as shallow, I did date this great guy for three months but in the end I realised I was not attacted to him at all. Some friends of mine later said I really should up my standards, which made me question why it’s so hard for me to find an attractive guy to date. I do catch handsome guys on the street looking at me quite often.

So how to find guys I am actually attracted to who do not just look at me as hookup material? Are my standards to high? You might suggest internet dating which I have tried and did not like. Also my spare time is limitied, so I find clubs and bars to be the easiest place to meet guys.

Thanks so much.

— One Is the Loneliest Number

What words of wisdom do you have for OITLN? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.

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18 Comments on "Your Call: How Can She Get a Boyfriend?"


Brit
1 year 9 months ago

I would say it sounds like now is just not the right time for you to find your prince charming.
You are in grad school, traveling, and have an active social life. You are enjoying living your life. If a boyfriend came a long and it got serious too soon, down the line you might resent the situation.
Truth be told, I am in the same exact situation as you and this was the advice I got from many people.

:)

Dave W
2 years 2 months ago

Pushing yourself – I think that’s what you’ve done with the “date guys”. Gone on a series of dates hoping that feelings will develop. “Very handsome guy” is someone that you would’ve previously branded as just a “hookup guy”. Now that you’re exploring the potential in him, I’d say the danger is that you’ll try to sabotage the whole deal. He could have the goods required for a serious relationship, and you’ve been successfully avoiding that for some time now. If you’re gonna push yourself, try to recognize attempts at sabotage.

Something else – you’re smart enough to intellectually realize how family issues have impacted your relationships. However, getting yourself to truly feel something like, “I don’t need to be like my parents” is a quantum leap upward from that. Think of the scene from “Good Will Hunting” where Robin Williams keeps repeating, “It’s not your fault”. It might not be terribly difficult for you; heaven knows that I haven’t been too successful(shrinks included). If pushing proves too blunt an instrument, you may need a better technique. There should be an online community relating to your family issues. Could be a valuable resource. I’m pulling for you :)

Samantha
2 years 2 months ago

Try online dating, but be responsible with it.

Lonely girl
2 years 2 months ago

I’m so grateful for you both taking the time to write your responses – I have a lot more perspectives to reflect over now. I do have family issues which perhaps have smitten onto my relationship (or lack of) with guys. It’s funny, cause I’ve done so many other scary things, like moving to another country all alone, I have always liked to push myself. I need to project that onto relationships as well.

And I think I will meet that very handsome guy when I get back, it’s the only way to find out!

Dave W
2 years 2 months ago

Hmmmm. I think you might be engaging in low-risk behavior because you’re scared of getting hurt. If a guy seems a bit lusty, you get wary and don’t let him get too close. And if a guy is relationship-y, you can string him along, but never feel much of a spark.

OK, love is scary. Letting your guard down and letting your heart get involved could get you really hurt. It fucking sucks. Also, does your heart tend to get involved when you have sex? That makes things a bit tougher. Keeping your guard up, though, probably won’t get you the deeper connection that you want.

I think that, in your 20s, even the good guys can seem like walking boners. It’s a horny time. This guy who’s been texting you for two months sounds interesting. Physical chemistry, really good conversation. Sounds like he’s worth a roll of the dice. A guy who pursues you for two months could still only want to hook up, but you don’t know until you try. Take a deep breath and wade in.

Oh, and please forgive yourself for not desiring some of the sweet boys out there. If you’ll never want to jump his bones, it just won’t work. Plus, dating a “great guy for three months” could unduly hurt him. Guys like that are good friend material; just be clear about it.