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Retro Sex Advice of the Week

Tue, Jul 16, 2013

Books, Pop Culture

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)¬†by David R. Reuben, M.D., is the most¬†popular book on human sexuality of all time — but until now, we’d only ever read the thirtieth anniversary edition, which was released in 1999. And then yesterday, a friend presented us with a dusty old book she’d found in an long-lost storage locker, thinking we’d get a kick out of it — it’s the original 1969 (heh) edition. We love the musty smell of old books — but in this case, much of the advice is equally musty (and less lovable). But we’re going to take a glass-half-full approach today, and simply celebrate how far we — at least, most of us — have come. Take the following quote, which we found when we opened the book at random:

Why do so many homosexual expressions refer to food?

Food seems to have a mysterious fascination for homosexuals. Many of the world’s greatest chefs have been homosexuals. Some of the country’s best restaurants are run by homosexuals. Some of the fattest people are homosexuals.

The exact reason is complex but clearly food overshadows much of homosexual behavior. Aside from using their mouths as a principal sex organ, food plays another role in their sexual lives.

SInce Nature apparently did not anticipate homosexuality, the male has not been equipped with glands to secrete a sexual lubricant. Thus the first problem that two gay guys have to solve before making love is lubrication. Many homosexuals favor cooking grease. Salad oil and margarine are commonly used. Among gourmets, butter and olive oil are preferred. But it doesn’t stop there.

Most homosexuals find their man-to-man sex unfulfilling so they masturbate a lot. Much of their masturbation centers around the anus. The question, of course, is what to use for a penis. The answer is often found in the pantry. Carrots and cucumbers are pressed into service. Forced into the anus, lubricated with vegetable oil, they give homosexuals what they seek.

Egg white is also considered a good lubricant. Sometimes the whole egg in the shell finds itself where it doesn’t belong. Sausages, especially the milder varieties, are also popular.

The homosexual who prefers to use his penis must find an anus. Many look in the refrigerator. The most common masturbatory object for this purpose is a melon. Cantaloupes are usual, but where it is available, papaya is popular.

Oh man, we don’t even know where to start. We are beyond stunned that a book containing the line “Some of the fattest people are homosexuals” made it into print. And that thing about the papaya, “where it is available”? We have no words. Here’s hoping that, thirty years from now, we’ll be equally stunned at the advances we’ve made when it comes to gay rights and respect.

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4 Responses to “Retro Sex Advice of the Week”

  1. Seashell Says:

    Since when was papaya a type of melon?!!

  2. GeeBee Says:

    Effing hilarious (and yet sad). But please, Em & Lo, don’t follow the recent trend of using “advancements” in place of the satisfactory (and shorter) “advances”. Advancement is what you get at work when the boss likes you.

  3. emandlo Says:

    GeeBee — ouch! We’ll fix it right now. :-)

  4. delilah Says:

    What the writer is forgetting is that this book was published at a time when a very low percentage of the population was “fat” – not in the day of rampant obesity of today.


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