aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Practice safe sex this 4th. We swear to god, that’s what the stars are telling you this week. So wrap up your firecracker or else you might end up with some 3rd degree burns on your genitals.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The skies are clear so you can set your love rockets off. They should go off without a hitch. Expect lots of oooh-ing and ah-ing.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Make a little room on your beach blanket for someone who wants to play bingo with you or you may discover that this person will kick sand in your face as they walk away to play with someone else’s beach balls.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You will be impossible to ignore this week, because it’s your turn to shine and sizzle, like a sparkler at night, not like a greasy strip of fatty bacon.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Open your eyes. You are missing opportunities that should not be passed by. Like finding love. Or checking out those giant 3-D fireworks in the shape of stars, flags, boobies…
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’re like the ice cream man at the town park in humid 80-degree heat: everyone wants a piece of you. Be careful who you give licks to.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Take this holidy off just to pamper yourself and relax. Don’t worry about going to all the best BBQs or getting a great tan or burning a freedom-of-speech flat. Even if you just stay in and catch up on all those Tivo’d “Frontlines” you’ve been meaning to watch, that’s patriotic enough. What this has to do with love, we have no clue.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sign your Declaration of lnfatuation already and distribute it to the object of your infatuation. You’re guaranteed at leasts 200 years of love.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
As hard as you try you just won’t be able to cut it if you are pushy, aggressive or the least bit overbearing — you know, like the British were with their friggin tea tax. A little space, less possessiveness and more trust will be what is required if you want to score.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
A long distance affair will be enticing, captivating and probably lead you to the airport. Have fun but don’t be too quick to make a commitment. You need your independence.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Take a pass on playing with bottle rockets this week. You’ll probably end up blowing your hand off. Making masturbation that much more difficult.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Love interests are like 4th of July parites. You’ll have plenty to choose from this week but if you try to juggle too many you may end up missing the best one.