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Dear Em & Lo: My Fiance Won’t Let Me Use a Vibrator During Sex

Wed, Aug 7, 2013

Advice, Dear Em & Lo

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Dear Em & Lo,

I am 24 years old and am recently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years. We have been very open with our sexual problems but one I just can’t see to get him to understand is that I can’t have an orgasm with just sex. I have to use a vibrator to get off. This has been a problem with every relationship I’ve ever had. It doesn’t matter what we do, how we do it, or if I quit using the vibrator all together, all I’m left with is frustration and I go back to the tried and true.

It’s been bogging us down so much lately that I’m worried that it will become a core problem in our marriage. I love the act of sex and I really want to enjoy it WITH him, rather than wait til he’s finished and finish myself or do it beforehand. What can I do?

– Vibe Tired

Dear Vibe Tired,

You’re wondering whether this will become a core problem in your marriage? Hell yeah, it will! You say that you’ve been very open about your sex problems and it’s all going well except for this one thing… But orgasms aren’t just one little thing. They’re pretty much the main thing!

But more important even than orgasms are these things: Empathy. Respect. Compromise. Your fiancé is seriously lacking in all three.

You cannot marry this man until you’ve sorted out this problem. He needs to understand that most women can’t climax from intercourse alone. Most women need some help, be it from a hand or a toy. Maybe give your fianc√© a guided tour of your vulva sometime, and point out exactly how far the clitoris is from the vaginal opening?

Tell your fianc√© that you love him and are attracted to him and you want to climax with him. Tell him that there is only one way for this to happen. Tell him you are simply not down with having your orgasm on your own, like some maid on Downton Abbey eating in the servants’ quarters. ¬†Sure, maybe after a few years of marriage, you will find another way to climax — or maybe you won’t, who knows? The important thing is, your fianc√© doesn’t get to decide how, when, and where you have an orgasm. What decade does he think he’s in, anyway?

You need to say these things calmly and clearly. (Maybe skip that last part about what decade he’s in unless you’re spoiling for a fight!) Suggest that your boyfriend hold the vibrator so he feels part of the equation. Maybe you guys could try a finger toy that he actually wears, or a small pebble-like vibrator (we love the Lily by LELO) that fits neatly between your bodies. Or perhaps a vibrating love ring¬†for his number one guy? Make sure you splurge on a vibrator that is well-designed and quiet, so the buzzing isn’t a buzz kill.

And if he still says no? Then break out the big guns and say that this is the deal breaker for you. If he won’t put a love ring on it, then you won’t put a ring on it.

Sex Writers for Orgasm Equality,

Em & Lo

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