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How to Get Over a Breakup…with Breaking Bad

Mon, Sep 30, 2013

Advice, How To, TV

In honor of the last episode ever of Breaking Bad (sniffle), we’ve reconnoitered our classic “How to Get Over a Breakup” article so Breaking Bad fans the world over can better deal with the loss of their loved one and try to fill the void left behind by the series ending.¬†

Come here, Baby Blue, and let us give you a big hug. It’s going to be alright. Really. However bad it is, someone else has lived through worse before you — okay, maybe not worse, but nearly as bad (think: The Sopranos, SATC)¬†– and they didn’t lose their job or their marbles in the process. Sure, it might have been touch-and-go at first, but eventually they started watching TV again. Some of them even fell in love with a new show (think: Homeland, House of Cards). It’s the cycle of life! Remember, the end of a relationship with an excellent television show doesn’t make TV unwatchable, it just makes you feel that way for a while — unless, of course, you throw out your Panasonic and cancel your Netflix account. Our patented 8-step process below will keep you out of the john and in the human race.

  1. Numb the pain…for approximately seven days (two weeks max, in extreme circumstances). Everyone needs time to hit the wall. So give yourself permission to talk about nothing but BB at your next cocktail party, debate your friends on Facebook about the merits of the finale, try to convince the few people you know who haven’t watched BB to get on the freaking bus already.¬†Don’t feel guilty for fantasizing about Jessie calling you “Bitch” or Walter White in his tighty-whities. We do, however, insist on you stopping short of trying meth to self-medicate.
  2. Cut the cord.¬†Once you’ve spent a week or two on step 1, do something Walter White was never able to do: let things go and move on.¬†As tempting as it may be to rewatch all 62 episodes to relive a fraction of the excitement you felt the first time around or try to catch hidden meanings you missed¬†before, this is not the time to concern yourself with BB. In fact, as with crystal meth, going cold turkey is often best.
  3. Think negatively about BB, especially if it helps you manage step 2. Avoid looking back on your relationship with blue-colored glasses or beating yourself up about what ingenious subtleties you missed. Read Emily Nussbaum’s party-pooper New Yorker analysis of the finale as many times as you have to to feel better.
  4. Git ‘er done.¬†After you’ve broken down, it’s time to rebuild yourself. You have it in you: start that political blog, dust off your bicycle, take that fiction writing class — after all, think of all the time you’ve wasted not only watching BB, but obsessively reading critics takes on it and posting your own amateur analysis/predictions in various comments sections. Haven’t you always wanted to write the next great teleplay? Never got around to taking that woodworking class because of all the time you wasted Tweeting things like “Can’t figure out which Walter White to be for Halloween: gas mask, pork pie hat, or on the lam”? Do it now!
  5. Give back to the community. Nothing like volunteering at the local rehab clinic to put your heartache in perspective.
  6. Give yourself a “breakover.”¬†Get back at BB by shaving off that goatee, giving up fried chicken, stopping ironically calling all your friends “bitch”‚Ķ.
  7. Go on the rebound.¬†We know you’re not here yet, but don’t underestimate the benefits of distracting yourself with other cinematic flings so that you won’t be tempted to indulge in any late-night re-screenings of the last three episodes of BB. Instead, try just the first episode of a whole slew of highly regarded series. You can go young: House of Cards, Orange Is the New Black, American Horror Story. Or play around with some classics you might have missed: Six Feet Under, Battlestar Galactica,¬†Twin Peaks. You don’t even have to fully commit to another show right now, though by the time you’ve gotten to this step you might feel differently about a palette-cleansing half-hour comedy (i.e. “sorbet show”) like Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
  8. Think positively.¬†This is not the death of quality television. This is the beginning. Say it again: This is the beginning! Now sing it: “I will survive!” Because you will survive. And you will watch again. Hey, maybe you should even turn your television on. Remember, channel surfing is your chance to one day find even better cinematography and even truer character development. BB was just a stepping stone on your way to self-improvement, personal growth, and true happiness with the next great pop culture-phenomenon. Take comfort in the fact that, with every passing day, as the pain subsides, you’re that much closer to your density (chemistry reference intended). We mean, your destiny.

 

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