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Your Call: I Forgave Husband His Affair, Now I Can’t Enjoy Sex with Him

Mon, Sep 30, 2013

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

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Dear Em & Lo,

I have been married for 6 years and have children with my husband. We recently had a home-wrecker tell us her 3-year-old daughter was my husband’s baby. We went through with the DNA test and she is his. If this wasn’t devastating enough, he came clean about cheating with 3 other women too.

After everything, I found it in my heart to forgive and try to save our marriage. I love him very much. The issue is sex. Every time we go to be intimate, I kind of get the image of us being together no longer being anything special and go cold. I’m having the worst time with this and he really doesn’t understand, since I’ve been so forgiving and wonderful about every other aspect. Any advice?

– My Vagina Won’t Forgive & Forget

What advice do you have for M.V.W.F.A.F? Leave it in the comments section below.

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6 Responses to “Your Call: I Forgave Husband His Affair, Now I Can’t Enjoy Sex with Him”

  1. henry Says:

    I am so sorry for your situation.

    However, irregardless of your feelings, I’d recommend moving on. This guy does not respect you and I can’t imagine any way he’ll change.

    I’m worried that your love for him is hiding many self esteem issues that have let this go on for years.

    You need a relationship with mutual respect.

    I am so sorry.

  2. J Says:

    I kinda have to agree with Henry. This situation sucks and it’s probably healthier to move on. As someone who works in divorce law, I can tell you these things usually don’t seem to get better.

    But,if you’re really committed to fixing things, you should probably try some counseling. The trust between you guys has been destroyed and it will take a long time to rebuild it. Your vagina probably won’t participate until you start to fix the damage.

    Last thought: how long has it been since all this went down? Letting some time pass and rebuilding the romance could be the solution.

  3. AlanK Says:

    He is not going to change. And–given the existence of birth control devices–he is an idiot. “Forgiving” him is a waste of time, since he’ll do it again and you’ll have to “forgive” him again.

    Some people can re-negotiate the terms of a marriage; you’d allow him to stray, with conditions, and you’d be allowed the same privileges. When there is honesty and balance sometimes the erotic returns. I know couples who have done this and had it work well.

    However, making a change like this isn’t easy, most people would probably find it more destructive than constructive, and I doubt it sounds like an attractive option to you, so unless I’m very wrong–cut your losses and dump him. Sorry. He will eat your heart out from the inside if you don’t.

  4. Johnny Says:

    I think it’s good that you forgive him. It’s good for your own sanity and emotional well-being. Certainly better than walking around boiling with rage.

    But I think it’s a bad idea to stay with him. A child outside your marriage? That’s way over the line.

    You should both forgive him and dump him.

  5. Tony Says:

    Your comment about “since I’ve been so wonderful and forgiving about every other aspect” and your body not cooperating make me think that there are unresolved issues that you are dealing with. I personally would recommend seeing a therapist given what you have said and the magnitude of his betrayal.

    I would also agree with other posters that if he has been repeatedly unfaithful I would seriously consider moving on. Especially since the only reason you found out was that one of the “other women” made a point of it, not that he felt remorseful and told you himself.

    I certainly can’t say for sure, but your image of the two of you “no longer being anything special” is both a reflection of how you feel and a warning. I wonder if it is warning you that you aren’t “anything special” to him even if he is to you, and that he may well cheat again.

    Forgiveness is refusing to let his behaviors hurt you or your future. You deserve better than how he has treated you, whether you choose to stay with him or not.

    As a divorced man, I can tell you that the fear of divorce can be far worse than the reality of divorce, and that being free of a partner who is wrong for you is liberating in a way I literally cannot put into words.

    My best wishes to you.

  6. sally Says:

    Forgive and forget – sometimes the forgiveness is a mental process – but forgetting is another matter. Best in this case to forgive his imperfections and forget the marriage, he has. You and your children deserve better.


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