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Your Weekly (Sell-Out) Horoscopes: 09-23-2013

Mon, Sep 23, 2013

Horoscopes

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, it’s astrological truth in advertising… 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Kiss a little longer, hold hands a little longer, hold tight a little longer — whatever it takes to keep your sex drive on a leash this week (have you tried chewing Big Red?). If you come on too strong, your partner may be scared off.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
On the road of love, there are passengers and there are drivers. Drivers wanted this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Just do it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
M-A-T-T-R-E-S — leave the last “S” off for sex, ’cause this week you ain’t getting any.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Snickers really satisfies. This week, so will your partner.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
New outfit from Banana Republic: $200. Freshly laundered underwear: $12. Two tickets to Verdi’s La Traviata: $300. Bottle of Veuve Cliquot: $85. Private helicopter to mountain villa: $3,500. Pack of lubricated condoms: $3. 50. A night in front of the TV and your self respect in the morning: priceless.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Let’s just say the relationship you’re in right now looks like a pump, but feels like a sneaker.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t. This week, you don’t. And that’s okay.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Maybe you’re born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Who even knows what “it” is — but you’ve got it this week, and everyone’s swooning.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Beef, it’s what’s for dinner. So sink your teeth into the piece of meat of your choice.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
What would you do for a Klondike Bar? And what would you do for sex? What about love? Back up your talk with action this week to avoid being stuck in the company of a chocolate bar.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
When you care enough to send the very best, you don’t send a letter bomb to the doorstep of your sweetie’s heart by screwing someone else.

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