We recently published a list of the top 25 questions we get asked over and over again. We’ll probably keep answering those sorts of questions until we’re old and wrinkly and everyone thinks it’s either cute or hilarious or gross (or all of the above) that two old biddies like us discuss porn and strap-ons and friends with benefits. Questions like those remind us why we’re here, why we’ve been doing this for nearly fifteen years, and why we keep on doing it even when it doesn’t pay as much as we’d like it to.
But there are some questions we hope we never receive again. Questions that make our hearts sink because they’re unanswerable or depressing or horrifying — or simply because they make us feel useless and unqualified. And so far as we could tell, all of the questions were sincere cries for help. In most cases, we served as nothing more than an unoccupied confessional booth — after all, so many of them qualify as a sort of Sophie’s Choice of sex — and in most cases, we were sincerely sorry about our inability to help.
Here they are, the top 10 questions that reminded us what a bad, mad, sad world it is out there:
1-5: DEPRESSING & UNANSWERABLE (BY US, AT LEAST):
1. Help, I’m too medicated to enjoy sex but too depressed to go off my meds.
2.¬†I love my spouse and my children but I’m no longer in love. Should I stay or should I go?
3.¬†I hate the way my fetish makes me feel, but I can’t feel anything in bed without it.
4. I was raped as a teen, will I ever enjoy sex again?
5. My sister and I are in love with each other. If we use birth control so she doesn’t get pregnant, is this really so wrong?
6-10: JUST PLAIN HORRIFYING:
6. I work in a morgue. I’m not asking you to judge me, and I swear I’m not making this up, I was just curious if it’s possible to contract an STD from a corpse?
7. I’m cheating on my partner, but let me tell you why I am justified in doing this so I can feel better about myself…
8. My golden retriever really seems to enjoy pleasuring me. Is it okay if my husband watches?
9. Does this look infected?
10. Does this look like an average-sized penis to you?