Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It’s no where near your birthday, but it might as well be, because guess what? The stars insist that you play the field this week. Apparently your head and your heart are going in different directions, or something like that. What do you care, though? You’re too busy getting busy to notice.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your heart will be in the right place this week. We know it’s kind of gross when people over-share in an attempt to create a stronger bond of friendship, but you shouldn’t be afraid of over-sharing this week. Pour out your heart to someone you’re fond of and you won’t be sorry. Which isn’t to say they won’t be sorry for asking “How are you?” Pick wisely, pick a good listener, don’t pick your bartender, and everyone will be the better for it.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ll change your mind about someone more often than you’ll change your underwear this week. (Come to think of it, you really should consider changing your undies a little more often.) Hold off on any decisions until the last possible minute — even then, you’ll probably want to change your mind one more time. Oh, who are we kidding? Just toss a coin on Monday and save yourself all that tough mental work.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
So you want to settle down. So you want three kids. So you’re a dog person and you think it would be nice to get a poodle, say, two years before the first kid pops out. So you’re thinking: Thanksgiving with your parents, July 4th with your in-laws. So you’ve been wanting to try the new Hitachi. Fine. But these are all things to avoid bringing up on the first date, capiche?
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We kinda hate the saying “No one on their death bed ever wished they worked more.” Obviously, people who use that phrase are lazy, unmotivated, and don’t stress as much as they should. We know you’re with us on this one. And actually, working late this week could improve your chances of finding true romance, or at the very least, hot sex. Just make sure you indulge in plenty of watercooler chat, or you could end up on your deathbed saying, “If only I’d had more sex.”
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The problem with snake charmers is that they’re so damn charming. The fact that they blow you off and never call is just a bonus, one more stupid trick that creates the illusion of mystery. Don’t be so gullible. Pretend Cher is slapping your face and yelling “Snap out of it!” like she did to Nick Cage in Moonstruck. Then go get your hair done and buy a new outfit to make yourself feel better.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
‘Tis the season for fickleness, to be sure, and we don’t think that seriousness suits you right now (that’s so last season). But a fleeting desire for someone who is serious (about you) may tempt you to act more seriously than you feel. Avoid the impulse before they get seriously hurt or you get seriously busted as a big phony.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If you get out of the house and take part in community events this week, you will meet someone who is just as much of a homebody as you are. And then the two of you won’t ever have to go out again. You can just stay home, co-signing letters to your local politicians, learning macrame together, ordering in Thai, and forgetting how lonely you used to be when you were single and all your “friends” coupled up and stopped calling you. Anyway, it’s been nice knowing you.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Have you ever seen the movie Tremors with Kevin Bacon? It’s a cult classic, in that so-bad-it’s-good way. Perfect unchallenging television to watch while nursing a hangover. Anyway, in the flick, a small dustbowl town called Perfection is terrorized by a bunch of burrowing, slug-like monsters the size of subway cars. Not that that has anything to do with your horoscope. It’s Kevin Bacon’s character, Val McKee, that can teach you your love lesson for the week. At the beginning of the movie, we find that Val has three strict requirements for his love interests: They must be blonde, have long legs, and some other superficial quality we can’t remember right now. But after a few near-death experiences, Val comes to realize that there are more important things to look for in a potential girlfriend — like being smart enough not to get eaten by a man-eating mutant worm. So take a tip from Kev: Dig a little deeper, just watch out for underground aliens.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We imagine you’ll be sitting in a coffee shop when it happens: That accidental meeting so popular in romantic comedies, but so rare in real life. Until now. The conversation will be awkward, but only for the first few seconds, after which it will flow with the ease of a Hawaiian waterfall. You’ll be intrigued. You’ll sign up for more coffee. You’ll take it from there.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you take it upon yourself to organize social gatherings, you get to pick events that flatter your ass. Like bowling, for example. And if you have a nice ass and you’re a good bowler, other people will want to have sex with you.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, we suggest you avoid all phones, walkie-talkies, tin-cans-and-string, deep conversations, etc. Keep your thoughts to yourself and listen for a while; let your body language express any burning thoughts you may have. Sure, people will give you funny looks when you get into the really advanced semaphores, but that’s what your middle finger is for.