Comment of the Week: You Don’t Have to Accept His Porn Habit

photo via flickr

Reader Kendra said the following in response to our post, “Comment of the Week: How to Get Past His Porn Habit.”  We have to admit to a little mea culpa upon reading this. Yes, we do tend to tell female readers to find a way to compromise when it comes to their male partners’ porn habit, and perhaps that’s not always the best answer. Anyway, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, we’re posting one reader’s very different take on the issue here, just to prove that you don’t have to kiss our asses in order to get featured here!

Why is no porn not an option on this list, which was created for someone who is not exactly in favor of porn. I find this to be very un-feminist and quite frankly, totally male-dominated advice. Basically, you’re telling the person who’s uncofomfortable with porn use to force themselves to become okay with it. Tell him to “cover his tracks?!” So, hide it and pretend the problem does not exist? Yep, that’ll make for a great relationship. And when he’s out screwin’ someone else, just make sure he covers his tracks well there, too, right?

Why was “if you’re uncomfortable with it, you DON’T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT” not an option on the list? That should’ve been first on the list. Nobody should have to make themselves deal with something that hurts them. Nobody should. It’s not okay.

How about some better advice: Don’t put up with it! Know that you are better than that and that you’re better than being second best or even having to share! IMO, it’s either all me and only me (because I’ve realized that I’m that good. I’m worthy and I’m plenty good enough) or no me at all. I don’t do sharing. Some people can stifle the porn pain, others cannot, but advice should include options to not put up with it if you are very, very upset with it.

It makes you feel badly? You told the reader that it was THEIR problem to deal with!? Noooo! That is terrible advice. In a relationship, problems are BOTH parties’ problems to “deal with.”

If you don’t like pornography, you can ask your partner to figure out which is more important — you or porn. If he chooses you, fabulous! If not, there are plenty out there who do not need pornography to be turned on.

Plus, why should anyone be told to put up with second best or sharing when there’s a big possibility they could have what they really, really want — to be their partner’s ONLY? Yes, there are plenty of men out there who love their partner enough not to have desires for other’s.

Take it or leave it, but NEVER settle like this awful advice says for you to.

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10 Comments on "Comment of the Week: You Don’t Have to Accept His Porn Habit"


Liela
4 months 17 days ago

I’ve been doing some googling trying to get some more insight on this “porn issue” and that got me here.. Obviously the friction going on here got my attention.. I am 32 year old female and recently started seeing this guy and after sharing a secret with him he shared one back and told me he is addicted to pornography. I’m fairly open-minded – not quite sure how many hours a week he spends watching it and what type he prefers.. But I will prob find out tonight.. How do I feel about men watching it.. Well that is what it was created for Right?? I’m not on a level of being comfortable watching it with a man.. I think it should be his private thing.. Do I blame men for watching it.. NO.. Men and woman are differently programmed and us woman have an emotional attachment when it comes to sex and men it feels nice but they like the physical side of it.. The visual side.. And after marriage and kids.. Sex fades and becomes the same every time if ur lucky enough to get any as woman use their tool to punish her man for something that he did or he must work for it.. And when he gets it.. Its same as before.. When a man watches something that stimulates his mind sexually its no news that the brain creates endorphins that is important to have to be a happy person.. Orelse he will be a miserable old fart.. Us woman mastrubate asswell but we don’t need the visuals.. Is all about feeling for us.. I’m sure if a man had to mastrubate too much without any “help” he will start to feel like he is somewhat sick in the head.. And god only knows that the imagination will create if he only had to use that.. That’s dangerous.. I would rather not want that.. It will be so clear in his head that he can even switch it on when he is having sex with u.. Cause the imagination was stimulated and visuals was created.. When a man watches porn he likes it.. He gets jiggy with it and just like any movie u watch you forget about what u saw.. And atleast when he is having sex with you he is seeing u and not thinking of the porn he watched yesterday – we know they can’t multitask.. I’d rarther have my man watch porn and get rid of his frustrations than have sexchats on flirt sites cause he would be sharing a part of himself.. Men don’t share anything with porn.. Or even worse than that – go pay a woman for sex and god only knows how many people has been there.. And it can get emotional.. We don’t want that.. So let him watch his porn.. Or why don’t us woman stop complaining and keep his mind on u.. Send him a video every now and then where u rub an ice cube all over ur fanny ..keep it sexy.. Does not have to be trashy.. Why would he need porn to watch to “get off” if he can watch a video of u while mastrubating.. Keep ur man stimulated – most woman say men are like kids.. So.. What does ur kid do when he does not get stimulated.. He catches on nonsense.. So see what u can do to fix it instead of getting insecure and freaking out and acting even less sexually attractive to him cause ull push him to even more porn to go rid the tension ur putting on him asswell..

kim
8 months 3 days ago

I AGREE COMPLETELY with Kendra. I am so glad that she wrote that. It’s no different than distinguishing if you want to be with someone who smokes or takes drugs or has some other habit you don’t like. Everyone has a right to how they prefer to live their life. Don’t intimidate someone into thinking there’s something wrong with them for not liking porn. There are many very legitimate reasons for not liking porn and no one should feel badly for feeling that way. I agree and I’ve decided that I’d rather be alone than with someone who’s into porn and I’m ok with that.

tiff
1 year 13 days ago

Would every body stop using the 50 shades of grey reference. It doesnt go ttogether. The difference is, women are reading and making up pictures in their mind. Were not actually seeing anyone. Guys are! Ive been told by my SO that i need to accept his porn viewing byt its wrong for me to masterbate. Wtf?! Hows that fair! He says because its my body and im not saving it for him. Well its his eyes and hes not saving it for me. Soooo. Heres how i view this whole thing. I feel if in actual real daily life a man should be allowed to look at an atractive women. I feel they shoild be allowed to fantasize in their own mind about sex and people. But i also feel that seeking it out on the internet while monogamous is wrong. Thats not being a man, thats being a childish pig. What makes it so wrong to women, is the fact that yall feel the need to hide it. You yourselfs are making it seem taboo so yeah youre gunna make us feel threatened by hiding it and lying. That means you yourself feel its wrong and are too ashamed to let it be known. If thats the case, stop doing it. Plain and simple. Women are loyal bitches just fed up with bwing told by men how we are expectes to be in thisbworld. You make is this way by being childish like and not being a man and owning your identity. So blame yourselves.

Johnny
1 year 8 months ago

^ I’ve never really been with a woman who busts balls over porn. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had has just kind of rolled her eyes and laughed it off.

It’s a congruence thing. If you present yourself as a sexually voracious guy from the start, she’ll leave you alone about it. If you present yourself as a tip-toeing weenie who’s ashamed of his sex drive and embarrassed of his porn, she’ll sink her teeth in and you’ll never hear the end of it.

… of course, presenting yourself as a sexually voracious guy means that you’re at the ready when she’s horny. Any woman will lose patience if she feels like you like porn more than real-life sex with her.

Sex your woman often and well, and never apologize or show embarrassment for your sexual urges (assuming they’re, you know, legal). That’s the Johnny Method for never getting your balls busted about porn.

1 year 8 months ago

Telling a man that he isn’t allowed to look at porn anymore is pretty childish. Men are visual creatures. Women get all hot and bothered reading a book like “Fifty Shades of Grey,” because that more interesting to there wiring, while men would rather look at pics of women in bondage. Reading that book is acceptable for housewives to do, but somehow looking at a porn site or magazine is wrong for a guy? Seriously it is the same thing!

Embrace the porn! If anything enquire a bit to what your dude is looking at and get an idea of where his fantasies run. At least you might get some ideas on how to distract him away from the porn.

To tell a grown man you will not tolerate him watching porn is like telling a woman you will not tolerate her eating chocolate! It just isn’t going to work.