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Comment of the Week: You Don’t Have to Accept His Porn Habit

Wed, Nov 27, 2013

Comment of the Week, Confessions

photo via flickr

Reader Kendra said the following in response to our post, “Comment of the Week: How to Get Past His Porn Habit.”¬† We have to admit to a little mea culpa upon reading this. Yes, we do tend to tell female readers to find a way to compromise when it comes to their male partners’ porn habit, and perhaps that’s not always the best answer. Anyway, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, we’re posting one reader’s very different take on the issue here, just to prove that you don’t have to kiss our asses in order to get featured here!

Why is no porn not an option on this list, which was created for someone who is not exactly in favor of porn. I find this to be very un-feminist and quite frankly, totally male-dominated advice. Basically, you’re telling the person who’s uncofomfortable with porn use to force themselves to become okay with it. Tell him to “cover his tracks?!” So, hide it and pretend the problem does not exist? Yep, that’ll make for a great relationship. And when he’s out screwin’ someone else, just make sure he covers his tracks well there, too, right?

Why was “if you’re uncomfortable with it, you DON’T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT” not an option on the list? That should’ve been first on the list. Nobody should have to make themselves deal with something that hurts them. Nobody should. It’s not okay.

How about some better advice: Don’t put up with it! Know that you are better than that and that you’re better than being second best or even having to share! IMO, it’s either all me and only me (because I’ve realized that I’m that good. I’m worthy and I’m plenty good enough) or no me at all. I don’t do sharing. Some people can stifle the porn pain, others cannot, but advice should include options to not put up with it if you are very, very upset with it.

It makes you feel badly? You told the reader that it was THEIR problem to deal with!? Noooo! That is terrible advice. In a relationship, problems are BOTH parties’ problems to “deal with.”

If you don’t like pornography, you can ask your partner to figure out which is more important — you or porn. If he chooses you, fabulous! If not, there are plenty out there who do not need pornography to be turned on.

Plus, why should anyone be told to put up with second best or sharing when there’s a big possibility they could have what they really, really want — to be their partner’s ONLY? Yes, there are plenty of men out there who love their partner enough not to have desires for other’s.

Take it or leave it, but NEVER settle like this awful advice says for you to.

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8 Responses to “Comment of the Week: You Don’t Have to Accept His Porn Habit”

  1. Derek Says:

    I really don’t like this one. “IMO, it‚Äôs either all me and only me or no me at all.” makes no sense at all.

    Look, I am a very funny guy, so my GF should not need to watch any comedians perform. It’s either all me and only me or no me at all. <- This is a ridiculous thing to say.

    No mistake, I do love sex, but sometimes I get a case of the hornies and want to take care of it BY MYSELF. Do you want to know why? Because I am awesome at it. Seriously. I am really, really good at masturbating and it is super easy. Sometimes I just don't want to mess around with dealing with another person, I just want to get off. Maybe you are cool with having your guy come up to you and say "Hey, just jerk me off real quick so I can get back to watching the game" but I would feel like a jerk if I did that to my GF every day. I say every day because if I couldn't masturbate to porn, then I would be asking my GF to do that EVERY SINGLE DAY.

    Porn does not compete with the lady anymore than watching a comedy special competes with my ability to make my GF laugh any more than her talking about her feelings with her best gal pal competes with our emotional connection.

    TLDR;
    Lots of things can make you uncomfortable or upset, but that does not make it okay to demand your partner stop doing something that makes them happy. And, let's be honest, it saves you a lot of time by not having you give him handjobs every single day.

  2. Johnny Says:

    The advice, “don’t put up with it” would need to come with the following caveats:

    - understand that you will disqualify the vast, vast majority of men by adopting a zero-tolerance porn policy. Men who never look at porn are extremely rare.

    - understand that most men who tell you they don’t look at porn are lying because they don’t want to lose you. You will eventually catch them, and be all like, “OMG YOU LIED! I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU!” Your guy will see this as a wildly dramatic reaction.

    As for the “what’s more important, me or porn,” question, my answer would be that that’s a false dilemma. It’s possible to have a girlfriend and watch porn. I don’t have to choose between real-life love and porn – lots of women don’t have a problem with it, which means I can have both.

  3. johnny Says:

    I would also add that in general, an unyielding, uncompromising attitude is not healthy in a relationship. There are two of you. You should be willing to compromise on most things.

    If you want fights and seething resentment and lies, go ahead – try to dictate what your partner can and can’t do. See how that works out.

  4. Nikki Says:

    Johnny is right – most men watch porn. Some more or less than others, but they pretty much all do it. And asking a guy who enjoys porn to give it up for the sake of the relationship is asking him to lie to you about his porn consumption and hide it. Then, if you discover his fib, you feel betrayed.

    Nor to you have to “force yourself to become okay with your porn.” I had a boyfriend whose particular taste in porn was something I found really off-putting. But I didn’t tell him to give it up – we just adopted a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy – he didn’t try to get me to watch it with him, made sure I never saw it, and never talked to me about it after that conversation. I didn’t have to deal with or think about anything that made me uncomfortable, and he got to keep enjoying the porn that he liked. Win-win.

  5. Nikki Says:

    I meant to say “his porn” not “your porn.” But I’m sure you get the gist.

  6. sublithium Says:

    Telling a man that he isn’t allowed to look at porn anymore is pretty childish. Men are visual creatures. Women get all hot and bothered reading a book like “Fifty Shades of Grey,” because that more interesting to there wiring, while men would rather look at pics of women in bondage. Reading that book is acceptable for housewives to do, but somehow looking at a porn site or magazine is wrong for a guy? Seriously it is the same thing!

    Embrace the porn! If anything enquire a bit to what your dude is looking at and get an idea of where his fantasies run. At least you might get some ideas on how to distract him away from the porn.

    To tell a grown man you will not tolerate him watching porn is like telling a woman you will not tolerate her eating chocolate! It just isn’t going to work.

  7. Johnny Says:

    ^ I’ve never really been with a woman who busts balls over porn. Every girlfriend I’ve ever had has just kind of rolled her eyes and laughed it off.

    It’s a congruence thing. If you present yourself as a sexually voracious guy from the start, she’ll leave you alone about it. If you present yourself as a tip-toeing weenie who’s ashamed of his sex drive and embarrassed of his porn, she’ll sink her teeth in and you’ll never hear the end of it.

    … of course, presenting yourself as a sexually voracious guy means that you’re at the ready when she’s horny. Any woman will lose patience if she feels like you like porn more than real-life sex with her.

    Sex your woman often and well, and never apologize or show embarrassment for your sexual urges (assuming they’re, you know, legal). That’s the Johnny Method for never getting your balls busted about porn.

  8. tiff Says:

    Would every body stop using the 50 shades of grey reference. It doesnt go ttogether. The difference is, women are reading and making up pictures in their mind. Were not actually seeing anyone. Guys are! Ive been told by my SO that i need to accept his porn viewing byt its wrong for me to masterbate. Wtf?! Hows that fair! He says because its my body and im not saving it for him. Well its his eyes and hes not saving it for me. Soooo. Heres how i view this whole thing. I feel if in actual real daily life a man should be allowed to look at an atractive women. I feel they shoild be allowed to fantasize in their own mind about sex and people. But i also feel that seeking it out on the internet while monogamous is wrong. Thats not being a man, thats being a childish pig. What makes it so wrong to women, is the fact that yall feel the need to hide it. You yourselfs are making it seem taboo so yeah youre gunna make us feel threatened by hiding it and lying. That means you yourself feel its wrong and are too ashamed to let it be known. If thats the case, stop doing it. Plain and simple. Women are loyal bitches just fed up with bwing told by men how we are expectes to be in thisbworld. You make is this way by being childish like and not being a man and owning your identity. So blame yourselves.


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