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Turkey Cooking Tips For Better Sex

Thu, Nov 28, 2013

Advice, How To


photo via Flickr

However distasteful it may sound, there are a lot of similarities between cooking turkey and having sex: prepping naked skin, heating things up, getting stuffed, being done — and when you really think about it, they’re both kind of gross. So in honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, we’ve retrofitted the Food Network’s top 10 Turkey Tips for sex. And while it would have been easy, we’re proud to say we resisted solely equating the woman engaged in sex with “the bird.”

  1. Plan ahead. The best way to warm someone up is to take your time; count on several hours or even days of foreplay.
  2. Both low-heat and high-heat seduction styles have their merits. The classic method is 3 dates before sex; if you’re willing to sacrifice the possibility of long-term leftovers, you can do it on the first date.
  3. But for the hottest sex, start to get things cooking but leave it unconsummated at least overnight.
  4. People have better sex if they’re not over-stuffed. A light diet of mostly vegetables (carrots, celery, onions and garlic) with fresh herbs adds flavor without leading to dryness or bitterness.
  5. Keep a bottle of lube on the side; moisten generously.
  6. Dressing up for sex may look professional and pretty, but for the best sex, leave yourselves untrussed. And hey, it’s one less thing for you to do!
  7. Scatter rose petals on your bed before arranging yourselves on top. They’ll add tons of romance to your drippings.
  8. Deal with the legs and wings first — then you’ll have more success when you get to the breast.
  9. Once the turkey goes in the oven, don’t open the door too often. Every time you do, the heat drops precipitously, so it’ll raise both the cook time as well as the odds of dryness.
  10. Once cooking is done, tent yourselves loosely with a blanket and rest for about half an hour before diving in again. If you need more time to recover, you can rest for up to an hour without losing too much heat.

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