Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are the driver. You are the lead in the show. You are the forward. You are the offense. You are the director. You are the captain. You are the reigning champion. You are the head of the department. You are the principal. You are the CEO. You are the boss. You are the bomb. You are the ball. So be it this week.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
When we say “get back in the saddle,” we don’t mean the one on that mangy old horse that’s been grazing in your paddock for years. You deserve a brand-new pony with a shiny new saddle. But until that pony shows up, show a little restraint, cowboy.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You must fulfill your need to enjoy a lustful and passionate encounter. Otherwise, you’ll find it hard to concentrate this week. Translation: You have permission to be a slut — just use protection.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
A rolling stone gathers no moss. Then again, a rolling stone is a pain in the ass to hang around with. You want to watch a movie, they just want to roll down a hill; you want to go to dinner, they just want to roll down a hill; you want to spoon, they just want to roll down a hill. Moss is nice. Moss is soft and green. Moss is comfy to nap on in the woods.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you’re the kind of person who holds the stare with a stranger longer, crosses a crowded room to initiate a conversation with said stranger, asks for a first date first, steals the first kiss, calls within two hours of leaving their apartment in the morning, sends flowers that afternoon, invites them to a family vacation the next day . . . well, then, just stop it! The thrill of the chase — ever heard of it? How about, Playing hard to get? No? Look: Calm, cool and collected are the ingredients for your booty recipe this week. Sit back and get laid back (if you know what we mean).
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
There’s a difference between sacrificing and settling. Sacrificing happens when you selflessly give up something for the good of a good relationship. Settling happens when you give up, period. This week, ask yourself which you’re doing.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You sure know how to pick ’em, don’t you? Well, looks like you’ve got another winner on your hands. Before they sell you any land in Florida, maybe you should find out more than just their first name.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sorry, we don’t speake Whinese. If you spent less time complaining about the little imperfections of your relationship (and in the scheme of things, they are little), and more time focusing on what you could do to be a better person and therefore a better partner . . . well, let’s just say the sex would vastly improve and leave it at that.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you have the ability to make someone feel good (and you know you do), why don’t you exercise that ability? If you don’t, that nice muscle will just atrophy. Then you’ll end up a miserable flabby old crab. Improve your karma and spread some damn sunshine, will you?
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Even the illusion of erudition should be enough to get you laid this week. For example, at the next cocktail party you attend, take a sip of red wine, steal from James Thurber and say, “It’s a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you’ll be amused by its presumption” — they’ll either laugh at your clever little joke or else be bowled over by your impressive knowledge of wines.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Isn’t it always the way? You’re in the mood for love, and everyone else around you isn’t. If only whining was an aphrodisiac. If only begging was sexy. If only you could nag people into submission. Until hell freezes over and that’s an actual option, ease up and just enjoy some quality alone time (if you know what we mean).
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You will freak out someone who interests you if you are too experimental when it comes to love and romance. Serenading is only romantic in the movies; in real life, it’s stalker-creepy. Getting a tattoo to prove your love is a bit overkill when you’ve only known them for a week. And stealing their underwear to make a shrine in your closet dedicated to them is just a tad much. You have to take baby steps if you want a relationship with someone special to go the distance.