Em & Lo's RSS Feed Em & Lo's Daily Email Feed Be Our Facebook Friend! Follow Us on Twitter!

Good Vibes Sex Toys

Buy on Amazon Kindle!

Christmas Story Lamp on Amazon


Your Call: How Do I Set Limits in a New BDSM Relationship?

Wed, Dec 18, 2013

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

photo via Entertainment Weekly
We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. You can leave your advice in the comments section below (for a reader who appears to be dating a Christian Grey wannabe). 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

Do you have any advice for setting limits in a new BDSM relationship?

My boyfriend is a dom and wants few limits. I’m new at this and don’t really know where my limits are other than the obvious of no kids, no animals, don’t kill me. So we’re kind of at a stand off. Any guidance would be appreciated! Thank you!

– In a Vanilla-Chocolate Swirl

What should Vanilla-Chocolate Swirl do? Leave your advice for her in the comments section below. (And in case no one else mentions it, we’d like to point out that Fifty Shades of Grey is NOT a how-to manual for kink. But this book is!)

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

, , , , , , ,

 

3 Responses to “Your Call: How Do I Set Limits in a New BDSM Relationship?”

  1. Finikki Says:

    Since you don’t have experience and your partner does, you’re going to have to start out very slowly. Some guidelines:
    1. Ask your partner to introduce only one new thing [being tied up, spanking, etc.] each time you have a session (and maybe only one thing every few sessions).
    2. Take your time to get used to the new thing before you try anything else and make sure you’re comfortable with it.
    3. Use your safeword early and often. Using it to stop something you may be only slightly uncomfortable with doesn’t mean that you’ll never try that thing again, just that you’re working on it or up to it and need more time. Safewords aren’t only for emergencies.
    4. Communicate. Don’t be afraid to stop the action if you’re in a weird place or ask for a lower level of something (i.e., softer spankings).
    5. Do a bit of research about BDSM play yourself and ask to try things your partner hasn’t brought up. I bet that you’ll excite him quite a bit when you’re enthusiastic about trying something different.
    6. Don’t be ashamed to want vanilla sex. It’s easy to fall into the “sex is hot when it’s rough so it must not be hot when it’s gentle” trap. After sex with BDSM elements, gentle lovemaking can feel eve more special.
    7. Try switching roles sometimes and let him be the sub if he’s willing. It will not only give you perspective about how tough it can be to dom someone (and not overstep limits) but you and he may enjoy the changed roles.
    8. Remember that as the sub, YOU are in control of the scene. (Hopefully your partner understands this, too.) If you’re uncomfortable, in pain you don’t want to be in, or have stopped enjoying what’s happening, it’s your job to say something. As a sub, you have a lot of responsibility. Any good dom is going to feel terrible if a scene gets out of hand because they tried something that the sub didn’t want and the sub didn’t speak up. Don’t do that to him.

    Good luck! And have fun!

  2. Aubs Says:

    Some times it is best to have 2 safe words – example: yellow & red. Use “yellow” if you are starting to feel uncomfortable but still want to keep going and then use “red” if you want to stop. That is a good way to start to find your limits.

    Have fun!

  3. misspiggy Says:

    Er… your boyfriend wants few limits? As Finikki says, the limits are not up to him. Consider having a very serious conversaton with him to find out whether he’s a proper Dom or just a potential abuser. Have a look at Pervocracy for some ideas on how to tell the difference.


Leave a Reply