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10 Requirements for a Sexy Bedroom

Wed, Jan 8, 2014

Advice, How To


photo via Flickr

In case your bedroom has been a little worse for wear lately, here’s a quick reminder of the basics of bedroom beautification. Because a beautiful bedroom is much nicer/more inspiring/less psychically distracting to make beautiful music in.

  1. Invest in sheets with a decent thread count–there’s nothing sexy about your bare skin against the equivalent of burlap.
  2. Only have plants/flowers in the bedroom if you can keep them alive and thriving. Dead things aren’t sexy.
  3. Make sure your bed gives you proper support, because if you’ve got a bad back, you’re not going to feel much like pelvic thrusting. Make sure that the headboard is secure, that the bed’s wheels don’t roll (even better: no wheels!), and that nothing squeaks. The only weird noises you hear should be coming out of your mouths or other orifices; the only movement you feel should be coming from each other’s bodies and the Earth (get it? feeling the Earth move…?).
  4. Get rid of the bright overheads and decorate with some soft, flattering, low lights in various corners — even better if you put them all on dimmers. The occasional candle or two is nice, but don’t get all satanic ritual-y with 50 red fire hazards lining every surface of your bedroom.
  5. Even if you have minimal space, don’t put one side of your bed against a wall — that’s for kiddies and college students.
  6. Place some kind of bedside table on both sides of the bed so each person has a place to call their own within arms reach (for water glasses, lube, condoms, sex toys, etc). You get bonus points if the tables have drawers for maximizing discretion and organization.
  7. No dirty clothes on the floor, office papers cluttering your dresser, or overflowing closets. One of the main reasons hotel rooms are so sexy is because they’re neat and clean!
  8. Give your sex playlist the presentation it deserves: for minimal cost, you can invest in some small but nice speakers to surround your bed (you can even put a subwoofer under it).
  9. Save the family pictures for other rooms in the house. You don’t want your Mom smiling at you while you’re doing it.
  10. No television sets — that’s for the den. And needless to say, no stuffed animals!

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3 Responses to “10 Requirements for a Sexy Bedroom”

  1. Nikki Says:

    #5 is for those with the luxury of having the space to do so.

  2. Adalynne Says:

    @NIkki: while I agree (having lived in some very small spaces myself), if possible it’s absolutely best to not have your bed up against a wall. In a bedroom situation, there are few things more annoying that having to climb over the other person to get in, or out of bed OR having to slide to the end of the bed. Neither are very sexy…

  3. Emily Says:

    @Nikki: I agree. For awhile we didn’t have our bed against the wall, but now we do. And I can tell you, it’s really nice to be able to stand in front of my dresser and open the drawers instead of sitting on my bed while reaching into my dresser.


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