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Top 5 Kinds of “Porn” That Should Exist (If They Don’t Already)

Thu, Jan 16, 2014

Memes, Pop Culture

Real estate porn, food porn, weather porn, disaster porn, gastro-porn, travel porn… doesn’t anyone watch plain ol’ porn anymore? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, this use of the term porn denotes “written or visual material that emphasizes the sensuous or sensational aspects of a non-sexual subject, appealing to its audience in a manner likened to the titillating effect of pornography.”

Along those lines, here are five kinds of porn we’d humbly like to propose. (And if any of them already exist, then the Internets is a stranger place than we realized.)

1. Doodie Porn. And NO, we don’t mean the 2 Girls, 1 Cup variety. We’re talking about when your poop is just so awesome that you have to take a picture and share it with the world — or, at the very least, call over your spouse/child to admire it. Why isn’t there a place to do this with strangers?

2. Dirty Laundry Pile Porn.¬†For you people who frequently look at the pile of dirty laundry in your house — or the pile of clean, crumpled laundry waiting to be folded — and think about how it defies laws of both gravity and logic (how can the amount of laundry in the pile exceed the total amount of clothes you own?!).

3. Zit-Popping Porn. For some people, zit-popping is a disgusting but necessary act of hygiene. For others it’s a sensual, intimate experience that they like to share with loved ones. Why not with strangers, too? (Requires animated GIFs, natch.) Related: Sunburnt Skin-Peeling Porn.

4. Snowman Porn. We don’t mean images of snowmen and -women getting it on, or snowmen with snowwillies and snowwomen with snowboobies (we have a feeling all of this already exists… not to mention the WTF carrot rape scene by the snowman in the movie Jack Frost). This is what we mean: People should spend more time admiring each other’s snow creations. And no, we’re not high, we just think this would make the world a nicer place.

5. Broken Heart Porn. Why don’t we spend more time gorging on other people’s heartbreak? We’re talking photo montages of post-breakup junk food diets; before-and-after images of breakup makeovers; heartwarming tales of¬†heartbreak-related weight loss; images of empty bathtubs where the heartbroken have slept; photos of empty boxes of cheap wine; links to post-breakup Netflix activity; transcripts of drunken booty texts to exes; and so on and on and on. This could make pretty much everyone — from the equally heartbroken to the bored to the smugly settled — feel a little better about themselves and their own situation. Which is more than we can say for most regular porn.

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