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10 Father’s Day Gifts That Have Nothing to Do with the Barbecue

Mon, Jun 9, 2014

Toys


Crosley Portable Turntable

Yeah, yeah, we get it: Dad likes to barbecue meaty things. But did it ever occur to you that maybe Dad likes sensual massage or a little butt play, too? Okay, so these aren’t necessarily the gifts that you’d give to your own father, but for the father of your own children? Don’t count it out. Below you’ll find ideas for all the fathers in your life, both the ones you’re related to and the ones you like to relate to…yes, even that kind of daddy.

1.
Kindle Fire HDX
$379


Because on a Kindle, no one knows if Dad is researching how to barbecue the perfect burger… or how to master Japanese rope bondage. Hey, maybe he even wants to read Fifty Shades of Grey. No judgements here.

 

 

 

2.
Burberry Touch for Men Eau de Toilette
$47


Don’t listen to us, listen to Amazon reviewer Amy Nagle: “Bought it for my husband. The second graders he teaches gives him hugs and lets him know he smells good. He says ‘that’s why my wife gets it for me.’ Haven’t found another scent that is NEAR as GOOD as this one! I admit, I hug him too, just to smell how good he smells!” ¬†If the receiving dad in question is not your own father, then you might be interested in the review by an Amazon member named Mike Hunt (yup): “WOOOOHOOO DANG I SMELL GREAT!!! Seriously, i have to beat the women off with a stick when i wear this. even though i am ugly as a horse’s patootie, a couple of spritzes of this stuff, and i gotta run out the back door of the club at the end of the night. GET SOME.” Seriously, though, folks, how often do second graders and “Mike Hunt” agree on what smells good? You really should GET SOME.

 

3.
Crosley Portable Turntable

$79.95


Dads love vinyl. You might not have ever heard him mention vinyl before, but the moment he sees this turntable, he’ll get a misty look on his face and start telling you about the first LP he ever bought. (This is true whether the dad in question is sixty or thirty.) Pretty soon he’ll want to own all his favorite albums on vinyl — hey presto, gift giving ideas for years to come! It’s made of wood and bound in leatherette, and comes in multiple awesome vintage colors like turquoise and orange — but we’re partial to the black version lined with red. The built-in speaker means he can even set it up in the kitchen (that’s where all the dads we know put theirs).

4.
“Are We There” by Sharon Van Etten
$21.05 for vinyl; $13.49 for CD; $6.99 for MP3


Once he has a turntable, give him something worth buying on vinyl! Sharon Van Etten is the kind of musician a dad can feel okay crushing on — even a father to a daughter — because she likes to wear button downs (look, Dad, no cleavage!) and play with her hair in her face. She’s our new favorite rock star and every dad we know is currently swooning over her. (Listen to her here.)

 

5.
Aneros Helix Syn
$70


This gift isn’t for the faint of heart — it’s not every gift giver that can pull off a prostate massager (and though we don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your own father, we think this gift is probably more appropriate for the father of your own kids… or your single dad booty call). Like the original white Aneros (we just think this one is a little sexier and less medical looking), this toy “offers a shape that provides immediate pressure and tension on the prostate and surrounding area. The sphincter’s natural contractions create simultaneous prostate and perineum stimulation — all without batteries or use of your hands. The unique design helps tone the PC muscles to help improve the quality of orgasm while offering intensely pleasurable sensations.” He can use it during masturbation or oral sex or even while standing at the barbecue, if that’s his thing.

6.
Canon Wireless Printer (With Scanner, Copier, Fax)
$99.99


This device prints photographs wireless directly from an iPhone or iPad, no drivers required. This will turn Dad into a domestic superhero! He can print out pics of all his offsprings’ achievements (when’s the last time you actually bothered to print something?). Or maybe he just wants to print pics of Mom being naughty without going to CVS. And for those days when nothing else will cheer him up, he can use the built-in copier to scan his ass cheeks.

 

7.
The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Mantak Chia & Douglas Abrams Arava
$16.95


Once Dad starts working out his PC muscles with his brand new Aneros Helix Syn, he’s going to want to do something with them. So why not give him a guide to the multiple male orgasm? (It’s kind of like that kids’ book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie… If you give a man an Aneros, he’s going to want a multiple orgasm to go with it.) This Good Vibrations bestseller blends Eastern and Western philosophies and explicitly details how men can learn to separate orgasm from ejaculation.

 

8.
Jack Black Intense Therapy Lip Balm SPF 25
$7.50


No more sneaking around in his wife’s pocketbook for a lip balm and ending up with a sparkly pink pout, now there’s something truly manly for Dad’s lips. The shea butter makes Dad kissable, and the mint makes freshens his breath. Shut up, by the way, there’s nothing gross about Dad kissing Mom! He might also like the matching Jack Black Beard Lube — and yes, we just wanted to mention that product name — or Jack Black Body Rehab Scrub.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9.
LELO Sensua Suede Whip
$44


Who’s your daddy now? (Sorry, we couldn’t resist.) This is a stylish and playful way to dip your toes into the world of BDSM. The soft suede tails are great for gentle teasing… but you can swing them faster for more sensation and intensity. It’s the perfect way to let your guy know he’s more than just a burger flipper to you.

 

10.
Ruhlman’s 20: 20 Techniques, 100 Recipes, A Cook’s Manifesto
$22.60


Ruhlman teaches chefs how to think beyond the recipe, because that’s how Dad likes to cook. Whether cooking a multi-course meal or just some really good scrambled eggs, the same 20 basic concepts of cooking apply. And what Dad could resist a cookbook by the attitude-heavy chef who makes fervid protestations regarding the perfect martini? They should be made with gin, heavy on the vermouth, he says: Vodka is the Wonderbread of American consumption, and a vodka martini should be called a “vodkatini” or “kangaroo” to put it in its place.

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