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Your Call: Revenge on My Ex Didn’t Work, I Feel Worse Than Ever

Tue, Jun 17, 2014

Advice, Dear Em & Lo, Your Call

image via Wiki Media

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Dear Em & Lo,

I (a man) was found by my married H.S. sweetheart. We hooked up, an old flame was reignited, and within a week we were planning our life together. Three months later, it turned sour for me as it seemed like she was stringing me along and never really planned on leaving her comfortable life with her husband.

I felt more disappointed than heartbroken and I sent her husband pics of us together and told him everything that had happened in those three months. Now it seems like she is happy and still with her husband and I am the one fucked over… even though I ended it with her.

I’m just pissed. I have never messed around with a married woman before and won’t be doing it again. Lots more to the story, but you get the jist of it. I am thinking about revenge, but don’t really want to because I feel that I already got my revenge. What should I do?

– Bitter Much

Do you have advice to share with Bitter Much on how he can move past his anger and disappointment? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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4 Responses to “Your Call: Revenge on My Ex Didn’t Work, I Feel Worse Than Ever”

  1. Johnny Says:

    “…within a week we were planning our life together.”

    Mistake number one. I’ll spare you the lecture on the ethics of banging a married woman, but such an arrangement should never be taken seriously.

    “I felt more disappointed than heartbroken and I sent her husband pics of us together and told him everything that had happened in those three months.”

    What a dick. You didn’t sell her out on conscientious grounds (“GASP! You’re MARRIED!? I can’t do this to another man! He has a right to know!”). You lashed out a her and her family because you didn’t get your way. That was malicious and babyish of you.

    “Now it seems like she is happy and still with her husband and I am the one fucked over… ”

    No, you narcissist, you were not fucked over. Her husband was fucked over. You just spent three months having hot forbidden sex. You are the fucker, not the fucked.

    “I’m just pissed. I have never messed around with a married woman before and won’t be doing it again. ”

    I worry for any woman who gets involved with you. You have the perspective and emotional self-control of a teenager.

    “I am thinking about revenge, but don’t really want to because I feel that I already got my revenge. What should I do?”

    What should you do? You should watch your back. Because her husband is the one who’s entitled to revenge.

    I’d go easier on you if you were in fact a teenager, but you’re an adult. This is pathetic. You’re a grown man. Act like one.

    For anyone else who might be going through something similar – at the age of 17 – take these lessons:

    1. Don’t get attached to someone in a relationship.

    2. “Revenge” only brings the two people who you’re trying to break up closer together.

    3. Revenge poisons your well as much as it does theirs.

    4. See how the woman in this situation doesn’t give a shit about this guy or his feelings or his tantrums? That’s how women will feel about you if you act this way.

    5. Women have revenge figured out. It’s not about slashing tires or revealing secret sexts, etc. When a woman really wants you to hurt over her, she does what this lady is doing. She cuts you out. She stops paying any attention to you at all and happily moves on with another guy, leaving you to wallow in your own snot and tears and rage. It’s why that whiny Gotye song is so popular – it’s relatable; every guy has been there.

    Take a page from the female playbook. The best revenge is moving on and living well.

  2. Johnny Says:

    One more thing – this woman sounds like a bad person. It sounds like she is indeed jerking around every man in her life. I bet she’s beyond toxic and I feel bad for her husband.

    … and yet the red flags were all there, flying high and snapping in the wind. You don’t blame a snake for biting. This situation was entirely within the OP’s control from the start. He just made a bunch of bad decisions.

  3. Dave W Says:

    I doubt that anyone could answer this question much better than Johnny did. It was really well-crafted.
    I’ll just say that I’m all too familiar with this type of behavior. The pretzel logic and problematic points of view and all.
    To Bitter Much: try taking an online test for personality disorders. And if you’re “good at taking tests”, have someone who knows you very well answer the questionnaire, but in a way that they think reflects your sentiments. It could be illuminating.

  4. Lily Says:

    The creepy part about this letter is the revenge aspect. Don’t bother, doesn’t do you any good, is that negativity really what you want to put out there? We don’t ever get the revenge we want in our weaker moments. I get how getting attached to someone like this can happen if you have been alone for a long time and then someone comes along and you choose to believe in their promising words. Very human and natural! However, always good to remind oneself about the pragmatic side of things. In reality, this woman was married and almost always it is a bad idea to get involved with someone before they have sorted out their current or previous relationship. Also, if they are really into you, they will respect you, and their current partner, enough to sort things out in a clean manner. And at the same time risk ending up empty handed by not going from one person to the next just like that. They would feel they owe you both that. If not, do you really want to hang out with such a low lifer?


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