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Your Weekly Horoscopes: Independence Day Edition!

Mon, Jun 30, 2014

Horoscopes

Each week, we at¬†EMandLO.com¬†predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of¬†irreverent horoscopes¬†‚ÄĒ ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sign your Declaration of lnfatuation already and distribute it to the object of your infatuation. You’re guaranteed at least 200 years of love.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re like the ice cream man at the town park in humid 80-degree heat: everyone wants a piece of you. Be careful who you give licks to.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Take this holiday off just to pamper yourself and relax. Don’t worry about going to all the best BBQs or getting a great tan or finding the best American flag shirt with matching slacks. Even if you just stay in and catch up on all that Tivo’d Frontline you’ve been meaning to watch, that’s patriotic enough. What this has to do with love, we have no clue.


cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Open your eyes. You are missing opportunities that should not be passed by. Like finding love. Or checking out those giant 3-D fireworks in the shape of stars, flags, boobies…

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
As hard as you try, you just won’t be able to cut it if you are pushy, aggressive or the least bit overbearing — you know, like the British were with their friggin tea tax. A little space, less possessiveness and more trust will be what is required if you want to score.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
A long-distance affair will be enticing, captivating and probably lead you to the airport. Have fun but don’t be too quick to make a commitment. You need your independence.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Make a little room on your beach blanket for someone who wants to play bingo with you or you may discover that this person will kick sand in your face as they walk away to play with someone else’s beach balls.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Love interests are like Fourth of July parties: you’ll have plenty to choose from this week but if you try to juggle too many you may end up missing the best one.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Practice safe sex this Fourth: Wrap up your firecracker or else you might end up with some third-degree burns on your naughty bits.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The skies are clear so you can set your love rockets off. They should go off without a hitch. Expect lots of oooh-ing and ah-ing.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Take a pass on playing with bottle rockets this week. You’ll probably end up blowing your hand off…making self-love that much more difficult.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You will be impossible to ignore or resist this week Take a chance and pursue the person who is most interesting yet difficult to get to know and you will be successful. It’s your turn to shine and sizzle, like a sparkler at night, not like a greasy strip of fatty bacon.

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