We always look forward to the Fantasy Suite episodes — contestants get naked, both literally and figuratively, and shit gets real. The Bachelor or Bachelorette may or may not sleep with three hopefuls in three days — and it’s all made possible by the host-slash-pimp, Chris. Unless, of course, it’s Andi’s season, in which case you’ll find more sexual innuendo in the Lego movie. Last night’s episode was all about feeeeeeeeelings. Yawn.
Anyway, here are the top ten love lessons — note: no sex lessons — we managed to wring out of this :
1. When a date is telling you about the heartbreak he suffered after a woman broke off their engagement, this is probably a good time to take a break from the tortilla chips and give him your full attention. (That said: Was this a Bachelorette first, to witness a woman actually eating?!)
2. If you’re trying to convince someone that getting naked is the obvious next step in the relationship, don’t tell them that you have “a childlike sense of wonder” (serious lady boner killer, no?). In fact, never ever say something like this about yourself. Also, if your date suggests that the two of you spend the night together in a luxury hotel suite, just say yes. Do not say, “I can’t wait to talk your ear off all night, that’s the thing I’m most excited about.” And definitely do not add: “I’m long-winded!” Instead, say, “Of course!” and then grin adorably, eager as a black Lab puppy, and say, “It’s too easy!”
3. When someone tells you they love you, and admits to being terrified at saying this, do not pout your bottom lip and make a baby talk noise like this person is an adorable toddler who just pooped on the potty for the first time.
4. Dance like no one is watching, even if you’re being trailed by an invasive camera crew. Even if you move like a jock whose muscles are stiff from lifting too many weights.
5. Think twice about taking in a fireworks display right before you’re about to do it for the first time. All that heavy premature ejaculation symbolism might be more than your date can bear.
6. If your family is the thing your partner loves most about you, there’s probably not a lot of boot knocking in your future.
7. It’s one thing to play hide and seek with your date when you’re home visiting family and it’s a family tradition. But to suggest it a second time? In a field that looks itchy and bug-ridden? Consider your invite to the Fantasy Suite revoked!
8. We’re all for honesty during breakups, but there’s a level of extreme honesty that can be purely self-serving. Let’s say, for example, that there’s no way in hell you’d quit your fancy lawyer job to become a farmer’s wife in Iowa, and you find yourself with no romantic feelings for this farmer in question. It would be kind to focus on the Iowa farming part, no? That’s what we thought. When you say something like, “I have more respect for you than to blame it on Iowa,” are you really thinking of his feelings?
9. When you’re dumping someone and breaking their heart, do not weep so much that the heartbroken one is forced to comfort you, the dumper. Those tears are just to make you feel like a better person — they’re not helping the dumpee. Cut the tears and let them go. And when you’re the dumpee, do exactly as Chris did: Be brief, be honest, be dignified, and walk away. (Gentlemanly hand kiss entirely optional.)
10. And finally, we never thought we’d have to say this, but apparently we do: If you’re not yet ready to sleep with a new partner, then it’s definitely too early to share that story about how you wet the bed all the way up until fifth grade.