aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anxiety is about as sexy as spinach in your teeth, bad breath, and a root canal. (Don’t even try to figure out what all the mouth imagery means. ) If you want to get laid anytime soon, do whatever it takes to remove the sources of anxiety from your life. At least, do whatever’s legal.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So, it’s the middle of July and you haven’t been laid in how long? You’re overthinking everything, that’s your problem. This is not rocket science (just look at all the idiots out there getting laid on a daily basis); this is summer-fling sex. And you, our friend, are not getting any â€” or at least not as much as you should. Shut down your brain and let a few other organs lead the way this week.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We didn’t do so well in Economics 101, but you don’t have to be Warren Buffett to understand the concept of supply and demand. Lately, you’ve been flooding the market with what you’ve got to offer, and consequently, consumer demand has plummeted. Make yourself scarce for a week and demand is sure to rise.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Look, you can’t get something for nothing. If you want to receive, then you’ve got to give. Enough with the mysterious act. Stop playing it safe. Don’t be afraid. Just dress up as a goat in heat like your partner has been requesting, and then you’ll get all the nookie you’ve been aching for.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If sex is a tall glass of water, then you’re probably feeling like an Arab on sabbatical in the Sahara these days. But try to resist drinking from the first pond you stumble upon â€” it’s likely just a mirage. Make like a camel and rely on your own resources for satiation. You’ll reach the blue lagoon soon enough.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The trouble with ultimatums is that sometimes your bluff is called. So when you tell your partner, “Either I go or the monkey in diapers goes,” be sure you’ve got your bags packed, just in case.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Oh, you so horny. Oh, oh, you so horny. Oh, you so horny. You love s/he long time.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
No means no, especially when you ask your partner if they’d mind donning a Stetson and yelling, “Ride me cowboy!” during sex. Sure, you could always lasso them in and force them to play along, but in the long run you’ll be riding without a pardner. Remember, the midnight cowboy rides alone.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve got your head up your ass. Ask a good friend for directions about your love life. Better yet, ask them how to get your head out of your ass.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
What is it about the V.I.P. room? Okay, so maybe it’s the free champagne, the half-dressed hotties, and the heavy dose of exclusivity (the ultimate aphrodisiac). Plus â€” oooh look, there’s Justin Bieber! This week, you’ll have no problem talking your way into the V.I.P. booty room â€” but are you sure you’re ready to follow through? Don’t waste your time (and your tightly rolled fifty-dollar bills) sweet-talking your way into something (or someone) if you’d rather be home playing board games. (Don’t deny it, we know how hot Scrabble gets you.)
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This week, push won’t come to shove; push will come to your sorry ass alone and depressed in an empty apartment with no one to screw. Keep your hands to yourself for a while.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week the stars and planets said, “Don’t get involved with someone for the wrong reasons.” Duh. Like there’s ever a good time to get involved with someone for the wrong reasons. We’re giving the stars the benefit of the doubt and assuming they meant to suggest that this week you’re particularly prone to getting involved with someone for the wrong reasons, whatever those wrong reasons may be (clinical depression, financial gain, sexual desperation). But hey, acknowledging the problem is half the battle.
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