The following reader commented on our post “My Boyfriend Is Too Big For Me.” Her comment and our follow-up to her is below.
Dear Em & Lo,
I have the same problem with my boyfriend [he’s too big for me] and I find that these columns are really unhelpful. Lube only helps temporarily but it doesn’t help the psychological effects. It is hugely frustrating for both parties and not only this but it ruins one’s confidence and self esteem. For my partner and I, enjoying a good sex life is very important. It has got to the point where we are discussing having a threesome so we can experience and enjoy ‘normal sex’. We love each other so much and everything else in our relationship is great but this has been ruining everything. I am starting to think there may be something wrong with my vaginal entrance as it only hurts around the outside – but doctors are unhelpful and use the ‘relax and use lube’ line every time. If only someone would take me seriously because it may result in us ending the relationship now.
We’re sorry to hear about your plight. And sorry you didn’t find that article helpful. Here’s a similar one with a few more specific tips that might help:
We really think it would benefit you two if you redefined “good sex life” and “normal sex” — it seems like you both think it requires a certain style of sex, i.e. intercourse with deep penetration. Or even just intercourse. But couples can define what “sex” means to them in any number of ways. For example, for some women, the only way they orgasm is through oral; for others, they don’t want it at all — that doesn’t mean one set of women is getting good sex, and the other isn’t. Some gay men are exclusive bottoms — that doesn’t mean they don’t have vibrant sex lives because they never do any penetrating. And think about couples where one partner is a paraplegic! There are many ways sexual pleasure and orgasms can be achieved. If you can get each other off in ways that don’t include intercourse, is that not enough to keep this true love relationship together?
If it’s not — if not experiencing the old in-out is a deal breaker — then opening up your relationship could be a great way to stay together while getting the sex you each want. But you’ve both got to be on board and you’ve both got to clearly define your ground rules. Best to brush up on some non-monogamy tips to help you navigate the terrain. Check out these EMandLO.com article’s:
For more in-depth how-to, check out any of these books:
Best of luck to you! May your frustration turn into satisfaction soon.
Em & Lo