5 Ways to Reconceptualize SEX


We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again: Sex is not intercourse. So stop using the two words interchangeably! When we as a society do this over and over again, it gets into the collective unconscious and starts limiting how we imagine the possibilities of pleasure, especially for women. A majority of women (that’s more women than not!) don’t climax from intercourse, so why rush to get there when you can spend time on more rewarding acts? But make no mistake: it’s not like you gentlemen out there can’t enjoy the variety that comes from taking intercourse off its pedestal–hey, if the destination is orgasm, how could anyone complain about the journey there? (Indeed, how could anyone NOT call that “sex”?!) Here, some how-to tips for 5 sexual activities guaranteed to improve both of your non-intercourse sex lives.

1. Talking

Whispering dirty nothings to each other is one of the best forms of foreplay out there — it can really get the mental side of things stirring, which is so important for gals. Now, if you’re cringing and blushing and thinking, “Oh no, please don’t make me talk dirty!” then think again. Bedroom banter doesn’t have to sound like a porno dialogue — in fact, anything you say while rubbing your half-naked bodies against each other sounds dirty, especially if you whisper it. Tell each other what you’re about to do, just before you do it. Sounds innocent enough, but just you wait… And once you’ve got that part down, you can start telling each other over dinner what you’d like to do later. Pro-Tip: Feeling tongue-tied? Then buy an erotica anthology, like something from editor Rachel Kramer Bussel, and read it aloud to each other in bed.

2. Kissing

Remember your first few kisses? The sensation was so novel it literally made you weak in the knees. Get that feeling back by making a make-out session an end in itself. Focus on every lick and pucker — in fact, perfect it — rather than rushing through the motions to get to “better” things. Remember: Two tongues at a time is overrated. Gentle lip-biting is hot; gentle tongue-biting is not. And macking on street corners is not just for teens and new couples. Pro-Tip: Just like any form of sex, kissing doesn’t always have to be romantic and lovey-dovey — try pulling your partner’s hair instead of stroking it during a kiss sometime.

3. Massage

We’ve all heard the statistic that 90% of back rubs lead to sex…well, a half-hearted squeeze of the shoulder blades during a commercial break of “So You Think You Can Dance” isn’t going to get anyone in the mood. But a full-body, well-oiled, dimly lit massage that lasts at least 20 minutes — with no immediate expectation of reciprocation — is the best damn thing you can do for your nerve endings. Plus it gives whoever is on the receiving end an excuse to start moaning. The giver should save the naughty bits for last: by then, they’ll be good and ready for any kind of attention. Pro-Tip: Both of you should be fully naked to amp up the teasing potential of the massage — just remember, the receiver can’t touch back until the full 20 minutes are up.

4. Handjobs

Hand work has been much maligned as a poor man’s (or poor woman’s) route to orgasm. This is probably because back when you were first experimenting with sex, you poked around with clumsy fingers, never thinking to add lube (for both of you), go slow, tease, and show each other how you like it. But there are things the hands can do that mouths and penises will never be able to accomplish (just try to imagine writing your name while holding a pen in your mouth…) — which is why for many women handwork is the only way they can climax. So stop fighting it, and start enjoying it! Pro-Tip: When you were teens, hand jobs weren’t all bad — recreate a bit of that puppy lust by putting your hands down each other’s pants next time you’re at the movies (though good manners would dictate that you make sure you’re at a drive-in).

5. Oral Sex

Okay, so maybe your tongue isn’t the most dexterous of organs, but it has a few other things in its favor (being naturally lubed, for one). Plus, getting up close and personal with your partner’s genitals like this is a pretty heady (heh) experience — one that can feel even more intimate than the old in-n-out. And like handwork, oral for many women is the key that unlocks the door to their orgasms (while intercourse just knocks on it). Pro-Tip: While we don’t necessarily think that a 69 is the Shangri-La some people claim it to be, we will say this: the head of your partner’s penis and the head of your clitoris (i.e. the bean) are homologous organs, which means that you can play do-as-I-do with your tongues to show each other exactly how you like to be pleasured down there.

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4 years 11 months ago

always blaming the men