We constantly hear how we should avoid getting into a sexual rut and keep trying new things. But just as important is to develop some good sexual habits — things that you should be engaging in on a regular basis with your partner (whatever regular means to you) — now and always.
1. Make specific sexual requests of your partner. We hear from readers all the time who think that talking about their sexual needs with their partners seems too instructional, not to mention terribly unromantic. So instead they just drop subtle hints and hope their partners will eventually guess what it is they want. Women especially fall into this trap. But there are no secret tricks to getting your specific desires met — just ask for what you want. To help ensure your partner doesn’t feel threatened or bossed around, try talking about sex outside of the bedroom — that way, there’s no immediate pressure placed on them to perform. And express your requests in terms of hopes (“I’d really love it next time if we could try…”) rather than disappointments (“I hate that you never…”) to avoid placing blame. Once you feel more comfortable expressing your specific desires in broad daylight, you can start to express them when the lights go down by turning them into dirty talk — or maybe for you and your partner, dirty talk is your starting place for expressing your sexual needs and wants.
2. Masturbate regularly. Okay, so the guys probably don’t need to be told this — but we continue to be shocked by how many women don’t know how to get themselves off. It’s a basic life skill that ranks right up there with boiling an egg and writing a resume. But just because it’s a basic skill doesn’t mean it comes naturally, and doesn’t mean you should force it. So build up gradually, doing your best to stay relaxed. Take a bath, put on soothing music, focus on your breathing — whatever relaxes you most. Try giving yourself a full hour to explore if you’ve never masturbated before. Don’t even think about climaxing the first few times — focus on sensual touch rather than sexual. And remember, self love shouldn’t be a routine anymore than sex should, so use masturbation as a form of sexual experimentation. The more you vary your masturbation routine, the more options you have for climaxing when you’ve got a helper. Make it last longer, bring yourself to the brink and then pull back, and try new positions, techniques, and toys.
3. Have sex right after a workout. Exercise affects your heart rate, blood flow, and muscle activity — and all these things can help you get aroused more quickly and easily. Sounds like a pretty good time to have sex to us! It doesn’t have to be just exercise, either — anything that triggers a mild fight-or-flight mechanism will do, e.g. a pillow fight, a rollercoast ride, or even watching an intense action flick.
4. Use lube, even if you think you don’t need it. A woman’s natural lubrication is not always indicative of her arousal level — factors such as time of the month, age, diet, hydration, and duration of the play can all affect the flow (or lack thereof) below. A woman may be ready for action when Mother Nature simply decides to take a break. So keep a bottle (preferably with an easy-to-dispense pump) by the bed. It’ll help keep things slippery, reduce friction, and make sure you’re not so sore the next day. Also, many women find they can take more, and more varied, genital stimulation when they are well-lubed. And let’s not forget the fellas, for whom lube just feels nice. And it’s practically a requirement for handwork on circumcised units.
5. Don’t interrogate the female orgasm. One of the most common complaints we hear from women is that they just can’t climax. Unfortunately, stressing out about it simply exacerbates the problem. The second a woman starts worrying about whether or not she’s going to reach orgasm is the second she can kiss that orgasm goodbye. In other words, a woman who is struggling to climax might try ignoring her orgasm. Instead of focusing on the orgasm, she — and her partner — can focus on her body instead: What does it feel like when he does that? Why does being in this position feel so different? Where does it feel different? Do I like it? The woman should be as descriptive as possible in the answers — not just “that feels nice,” but “when his/your stubble scratches my thighs there it makes the surface of the skin feel cool and tingly.” A woman can do this in her own head, or she can do it out loud with her partner — he or she would certainly benefit from the answers!
6. Just do it. It sounds wrong, we know, but for the sake of your relationship, you should vow to have sex sometimes even when you don’t feel like it (that goes for women and men alike). You don’t always have to wait until you’re “in the mood.” In fact, having sex can — and often does — change your mood… from turned off to turned on, from annoyed to endeared, from stressed to relaxed. It’s like working out — the hardest part is just getting yourself to the gym. But once you’re there, you’re almost always glad you went.