Let’s talk about poop, baby – the most ordinary of bodily functions, yet the one most mired in shame and lame Freudian stages. We’re all victims of evolution’s big cosmic joke: the placement of the body’s waste disposal system right next to its biggest pleasure receptors. No wonder sex is often considered dirty!
One of the keys to great sex is body confidence, which you certainly won’t have if you’re worried about toots, ill-timed poops, or skid marks (yes, we’re talking about adults here). There are 8 simple steps you can take to keep your pipes clean and in good working order for whenever your two worlds of plumbing and pleasure collide (yes, we’re talking about butt play here, though really any sexual genital endeavor can benefit from the below).
1. Up Your Daily Dose of Fiber
It’s not something that young people often consider, but it can revolutionize your bathroom experience. You’ll make personal works of art that are firm and solid, which means less road kill on your Hershey Highway and a clean exit. It’ll also make you more regular — so no more surprise bombs right when you’re ready to slip into something more comfortable. You can up the fiber in your diet with foods like bran flakes, broccoli, raspberries, avocado and beans (though the latter may create other problems, see #2). But if you want real results in just 24 hours, add a tablespoon of psyllium husk powder to your morning orange juice (shaken, not stirred).
2. Lay Off the Gassy Foods
At least in the 24 hours before any hot dates. Because the only thing worse than passing gas during rigorous intercourse, is passing gas while enjoying oral attention. According to webMD, here are the big culprits:
- Beans and lentils
- Asparagus, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, and other vegetables
- Fructose, a natural sugar found in artichokes, onions, pears, wheat, and some soft drinks
- Lactose, the natural sugar found in milk
- Fruits, oat bran, peas, and other foods high in soluble fiber, which gets digested in your large intestine
- Corn, pasta, potatoes, and other foods rich in starch
- Sorbitol, the artificial sweetener
- Whole grains, such as brown rice, oatmeal, and whole wheat
You might also consider taking lactase enzymes if you have trouble with diary products or “Beano” if you consume a lot of legumes (we’re looking at you vegetarians).
3. Wipe with Water
One of our favorite internet gems of all time from over 10 years ago (sadly our 5 second search for it turned up nothing) asked readers to imagine the following scenario: you go to some friends’ dinner party and, after the meal, watch the hosts clear everyone’s dishes, wipe them off with just some dry paper towels, and then put them away in the cabinets. You’d be horrified! You wouldn’t consider those dishes clean. And you certainly wouldn’t want to eat off them again. So why don’t we have the same standards for our butts? (Here’s another article that comes close to the first, and may just be an update of the original).
Dry toilet paper is certainly fine initially — it’s how you end that’s crucial. Water delivered in some fashion or another is essential. Here are your options:
- Smart toilet complete with warm water wash (for those with disposable income)
- A replacement lid with a bidet component
- A bidet attachment compatible with most toilets
- Flushable wet wipes
- A bowl of water within reach
The final option is the most affordable. Just be sure to replace with fresh water every day, no double dipping (obvs!), and invest in strong toilet paper that won’t deteriorate into dingleberries when wet.
4. Soap Your Starfish
Washing just your cheeks when you shower is not an option. You really gotta get in there. And we mean IN there. Suds your hands up with some natural soap and gently stick a finger (with a well-filed nail!) where the sun don’t shine — just one knuckle in is all you need. Repeat with water.
5. Use a Squatty Potty
You’ve probably seen the best commercial ever made:
The Squatty Potty is cheap and totally effective in reducing straining, increasing full elimination, and decreasing total time on the pot. You don’t want anything left inside you when you commence any hot monkey lovin’. Plus, hemorrhoids are not a fun sex accessory. So unkink your colon and squat when you go!
6. Use the Latest in Air Fresheners
Don’t ruin the mood with any unsexy smells wafting from the bathroom like an evil, green fog. Tackle the problem before you go with a spray that creates a film over the toilet water to trap the smell of your “kids” once you drop them off at the “pool.” The first to make a name for itself was Poo-Pourri, quickly followed by Squatty Potty’s own Unicorn Gold. Poo-Pourri has an entire of arsenal of online ads (crass but clever), but the Squatty Potty Prince pushing poo-prod will always have a special place in our hearts.
7. Put Down the Lid Before You Flush
Yep, microscopic fecal bacteria can be dispersed in aerosol plumes created by flushing (the more roiling the water, the bigger the invisible poo spray). More research needs to be done on whether this can really transmit any disease, but all scientists agree that it’s just plain gross. Don’t ruin your pre-sex shower with a post-shower open-lid flush (though really, you should be doing your business before your shower).
8. Please Wash Your Hands, PLEASE!
Always, every time. Even if it’s just for pee. At least 20 seconds of scrubbing with soap and hot water. Your partner wants an animal in bed, but not anywhere else.
